Having been raised the way I was, following the Christian faith that I do, I've always held a steadfast belief that God has control over my life. He has laid out a path before me and given me all the tools I need to follow it. People may say that my outlook on life is silly or unrealistic. They may say that it indicates an unwillingness in me to be accountable for my own life. That is their right. But my outlook on life has always been that if something is meant to happen, it will find a way to happen. God has dealt me my cards and those are the ones with which I have to play. Whether it be an ace or a deuce, if the situation be good or bad, the card will be played, the situation will happen. Period.
For those of you who may not know, after the birth of my first daughter, I chose an IUD as a method of birth control. It failed. My second daughter was conceived while I was "protected" and there was some worry (even if the doctor never came out and said so) that complications would arise during the pregnancy due to the baby being conceived while I was on birth control. Thank God, there weren't.
Due to that situation, however, Chaz and I discussed at length what method I should start using after the birth of our second daughter. I had originally liked the idea of the shot because it was only something I'd have to worry about once every three months, it was easy, no problem. But after reading up on it I found that one out of every three pregnancies that occur while on the shot end in an ectopic pregnancy, causing death for the child and oftentimes complications for the mother. I'd already gotten pregnant while on one type of birth control and I didn't want to risk those kinds of complications should I get pregnant on yet another type.
We decided on the pill, which I was not happy about, because I am NOT a pill taker, but we couldn't come up with a better solution. **For those of you who think this is a bit too much personal information, I apologize, but I promise, it does play into the actual point of this post.** After thinking about it though, and plugging the situation into my outlook on life, I came to the conclusion that if I was meant to have an ectopic pregnancy, I was going to have an ectopic pregnancy, no matter what type of birth control I was on and I might as well be on one I would remember to take.
So when I went in to the OB/GYN earlier this week, I expressed this thought to him. Looking back though, I didn't say it properly.
What I said was: If whatever powers that be have decided that I'm going to have an ectopic pregnancy, then I'm going to have an ectopic pregnancy.
What was going through my head as I said it was: If God has decided I should have an ectopic pregnancy.....
But I said "whatever powers that be." I did not say God.
I remember having the thought as I was getting ready to tell the doctor the reasoning behind my decision that I didn't want him thinking I was being crazy, or silly, or unrealistic, or unaccountable. I didn't want him thinking poorly of me because my decision had been based on the idea that someone other than myself had more control over my life than I did.
Here's the problem: saying "whatever powers that be" instead of "God" doesn't change the fact that I believe someone other than myself has control over my life. The concept is exactly the same. Whether you believe in God or Allah or fate, the concept is exactly the same.
I've realized that the true reason I said "the powers that be" instead of "God" was that I was unsure of my doctor's personal beliefs and I did not want to offend him. So I used a generic cop-out instead of standing behind and being proud of my own beliefs. I let the possibility of another person's opinion dictate what I said. I turned away from a chance to proclaim my belief in God.
Christ said, “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 10:32-33)
I feel like I denied Christ. Unlike Peter, I did not come out and say, "I do not know Him." But I also did not acknowledge knowing Him when I had the chance. I let the worries of this life dictate how I spoke and I did not proclaim Christ when I was handed the opportunity. There was no reason whatsoever that should have stopped me from saying "If God has decided that I should have an ectopic pregnancy..." But I did stop. I didn't say it. I choked. I said "whatever powers that be."
Coming to this realization, acknowledging what I did, or rather what I failed to do, hit me pretty hard. I've always said, with strong conviction, that if someone ever put a gun to my head and asked if I believed in God I would not hesitate to say "Yes, I do." Yet I couldn't bring myself to openly admit to faith in God to my own doctor. I was presented with a perfect opportunity to declare myself, and I failed.
It's not a good feeling, knowing this about myself. But on the plus side, coming to this realization reminded me again of how greatly I am in need of Christ's mercy and forgiveness. Feeling remorse about the situation, really focusing on what happened and acknowledging the fault within me--it's brought me to a new place. It's reminded me that I continue to screw up, daily, but that in admitting fault, I can also try to do better. The next time a similar situation is presented to me, I can remember how ashamed I felt in playing the role of Peter and not make Peter's mistake of doing it again, three times over.
I know that forgiveness is mine through grace by faith. God has put my sins away from me as far as the east is from the west. This denial has been forgiven. Thank God for that.
God give me strength, that the role of Peter will not be mine to play again. Amen.
