"Stop feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone else or justify your decisions. Are you doing what's best for you? Does it make you feel good/happy/fulfilled? Does it feel like the right timing to you? AWESOME. That's all that matters. You're under no obligation to live according to anyone else's feelings, concerns or opinions about what's best."
I posted this quote on Facebook yesterday because I find that I need to remind myself of this constantly. It can be applied to a number of aspects of my life (and others' as well, I'm sure)--how I choose to raise my children, how I choose to spend my money, how I choose to deal with my husband, my parents, my in-laws, what I choose to eat and subsequently, what I feed my children. And the list can go on and on and on.
I'm not sure what it is that makes many people in this life feel like they are entitled to pass judgment on others. I don't know if it's a misplaced sense of superiority or rather a profound sense of insecurity. I do know that I used to be like that and in my case I think it was a combination of the two. It took having that constant feeling of being judged for me to realize that that was not the kind of person I wanted to be. I have worked very hard over the past year or so to not be that person anymore; to realize that I may not know a person's story and even though what is presented to me might look really bad, I have absolutely no idea what may have triggered it.
People make decisions based on a lot of reasons; they may or may not choose their religion, their sexual orientation, their career path. They may change their religion, their sexual orientation or their career path. People who had bad parents may choose to not have kids because they worry they will be like their parents. Other people choose specifically to have kids and swear they will be nothing like their parents. Some people face their problems and others run away from them. But the decisions people make and the paths they choose are triggered by their whole life story and it really isn't up to the rest of the world to make snap judgments based on limited information.
What saddens me most when it comes to this issue is that often times, I find that these judgments can come from the people we hold closest to us. Family, close friends, people we've known for a lifetime. Those people who should know us best, who should understand us, are often the quickest to make it known when they don't approve.
Now, let me just be clear: there is a difference between not approving and judging. You don't have to approve of every decision those close to you make. But passing a blatant and negative judgment about the things you don't approve of is not in any way helpful or conducive to the situation. It's a fine line, I know, but support is crucial, even in situations that you don't approve of. God doesn't approve of our sin, but he also doesn't condemn us for it. He is merciful and forgiving. In my mind, that equates to us being supportive of those we love, even if we're not completely on board with what's going on.
Family is extremely important to me. Always has been and unless something major happens, always will be. I love my family dearly and would do anything for them. That being said, what my family thinks of me, my family (meaning me, Chaz and the girls) and our life is important. These are the people I depend on, the people I care about, the people who mean the most to me. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to have my back. I want them to be part of my girls' lives. So it is extremely hard for me when I get the feeling that one of the people I value greatly doesn't approve of what I'm doing.
Well, and it's not even the disapproval that bothers me. I am not naive enough to believe that I am going to please every person with every decision I make. What bothers me is when people don't feel like they can come straight out and tell me they disapprove, but they make it perfectly clear that they don't anyway. I have always felt that being family--whether that's by blood or not--demands honesty. Because if you can't be honest with the people you love, who can you be honest with? So I expect people to be honest with me, with the expectation that I can be honest with them. Even if they don't like what I'm doing, even if I don't like what they're doing, I feel like being family means that we should be able to be upfront and honest about our disagreements without causing major distress.
I don't believe it's okay when your words say one thing but the underlying meaning is crystal clear--and in complete opposition to your words. Because in most cases it's completely evident that you don't like or agree or approve of what's happening, but in the guise of "being nice" or not wanting to "hurt someone's feelings" or whatever, you won't say so. That's not love and it's not support and it's not okay. It's patronizing and degrading and hurtful.
The overall point here--and again, yes, I do have one--is that what my family and close friends think matters to me. And at times, more than it should, apparently. And so I need to remind myself that at this junction in my life--as a married adult with children--that I know what is best for me, my husband, my children and the four of us as a family. The person whose opinion matters most is my husband's. We have to make decisions together that work for us and our girls and if the people around us don't agree or can't understand, well, I'm just going to have to live with that and get over it. Because in the end, as much as I love my family (big), I have to put my family (small) first. We know our needs best and yes, we're going to make mistakes and have setbacks. But those are our mistakes to make, our setbacks to have. Our parents had them in their own time, our grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins have all had them too. They learned and adjusted and grew.
Now it's my turn.
