June 14, 2013--Is honesty the best policy?

Over the past few months, I've tried to make some pretty significant changes in my life.  I've changed my outlook on a number of viewpoints, ranging from politics to homosexuality to religion.  I've started the journey to better health.  I've reached out to people I thought I might never speak to again.  I've come to terms with aspects of my personality and character, admitted that I am flawed and taken steps to adjust those aspects as needed.

However, there is one aspect of myself that I still struggle with and for the life of me, I can't decide which side of the line I should fall on.

Growing up, I took on the role of a people-pleaser.  Of a peacekeeper.  I acted in the ways that were expected of me.  I met the expectations of those around me.  Of my parents.  My teachers.  My friends.  I tended to apologize for things, even when I felt I was not in the wrong, because I couldn't abide being at odds with people.  I kept my true feelings and opinions buried regarding numerous situations, numerous people, because I did not want to make waves.  I coated truths with silver linings, trying to soften blows to the people I cared most about; the people I thought cared the most about me.

I left for college with that same mentality and for a long time, I made the effort to stay in contact with those "best" friends I had from high school.  I didn't want to succumb to the reality that constantly demonstrates that people grow apart.  That absence, in fact, does not make the heart grow fonder.  And eventually, I became jaded and then cynical, as I realized that despite all the effort I was making, things had changed.

I quit calling my so-called "friends," quit emailing and texting, because I figured, if they really cared about me, then it was their turn to make an effort.  If they wanted to stay friends, if they wanted to talk and hang out, then they would get a hold of me.  And if they didn't make the effort, then apparently, they didn't care about me as much as they claimed to.  In making that decision, a lot of bonds were severed and I eventually came to terms with my own perspective on reality: that I had been used, that I was simply convenient, and that distance was an easy excuse to give up on me.

Since then, and even more so since meeting and marrying my husband, I have focused more on who I am, who I want to be, rather than trying desperately to meet the needs and expectations of those around me.  I have clung to the mantra that people should love me for who and how I am and if they are only willing to like/love/care about me if I change to fit into their little box of perception of me, then they're not worth my time.  That I am better than that.

I like to think that I'm justified in that way of thinking.  I have made a huge effort (for the most part) over the past few years to truly accept people for who they are, even if their lifestyles, sexual preferences, religious beliefs, political beliefs, etc, don't match up with my own.  I'm not saying I'm not flawed and haven't made bad judgement calls, because I have, but I really try hard to do that for others.  And I feel that they are completely justified in believing that they deserve to be accepted for who they are.

Part of who I am, who I have become, is honest.  Especially with those who are close to me, friends and family.  In my opinion, if we are close enough friends or family members to discuss political beliefs, ideas about parenting, sex lives, dreams and hopes and wishes--if we can talk about all these things--then we should be able to be honest about these things.  We should be able to disagree about things without fighting about them.  We should be able to have different opinions regarding whatever the case may be and still speak about it like adults.

Now, I'm not saying that a fair amount of irritation and annoyance isn't allowed, because it is.  When a good friend recently gave his opinion on whether or not he thought our course of treatment for Daphnie's delay was necessary or not, at that moment I took it personally and I was upset by it.  However, it did not cause a never-ending feud or long-term feelings of ill will.  He stated his opinion on something, I disagreed with it, I had an emotional reaction to it and we moved on.  

The point is, he was honest about how he felt about something, and I would rather my friends tell me straight-out if they think something I'm doing is right or wrong and give me the chance to respond openly and honestly about it in turn.  My mother-in-law on many occasions has questioned some thing or another that I'm doing with my daughters.  She is allowed to do that because her concern is for my children and I appreciate that.  She makes sure to state her opinion or ask her question in a way that lets me respond in an adult way.  She is never accusatory, only curious.  And for the most part, I am able to give her a logical reason for why I'm doing something a certain way and while she may still not agree with it, she is able to accept it and know that at least I've thought about why I'm doing something a certain way.

What I'm struggling with now is whether or not my policy of being open and honest about things is actually acceptable and whether or not my ferocious hold on this policy is costing me people.  And if that cost is worth it.

I lost someone I counted as a very good friend a few years ago because I was honest with her about how I felt about her actions at the time.  She didn't like what I had to say and we haven't spoken since.  In the same vein, I feel as if I have similar situations going on now and I'm trying to figure out whether it is worth it to speak my mind about things or if I should remain silent and say all the "right" things and do and say what is expected in order to keep everybody happy.

I expect people to be honest with me.  I would rather know if someone is unhappy with me or my actions so that I can either explain myself or my actions or ultimately make changes to myself and my actions if necessary.  Because I expect this, I suppose I expect my friends and family to feel the same way.  But apparently, this isn't how a lot of people feel.  Apparently, a lot of people don't care to hear what you have to say if what you have to say is in any kind of opposition to what they're currently thinking/doing/acting/etc.  

So, is it better to be honest with people and suffer the consequences as they come while being true to your own feelings and sense of self?  Or is it better to say and do what's expected of you by others in order to keep those close to you happy and content, even if it goes against what your inner self is telling you?  

I honestly want to know, because so far, I can't seem to win either way.  I don't want to isolate myself for the sake of principles, necessarily, yet at the same time, I don't want to present a fake and dishonest facade to the people I care about simply because that's the face that's easiest for them to see and accept.  And I can't seem to find a middle ground anywhere.

If you have thoughts or input, I invite them.  And even if I don't necessarily like or agree with what you've said, I will still be grateful that you said it and I will take it into consideration.  If I've learned anything in the three and a half years I've been married, it's that sometimes you have to take a step back and consider that what someone is saying might make sense, even if it goes against everything you've believed up until this point.  Sometimes, you do have to change your perspective.