As I was perusing my FB feed this morning in my daily ritual of social media-ing before starting my day, I came across an article a friend had shared by New York Magazine entitled "The Republican Plot to Kill Obamacare." It was a short blurb describing a number of Republican and/or conservative groups that are actively trying to tear Obamacare down before it gets fully raised up. It was short and sweet and in my mind, depicted Republicans/conservatives as petulant crybabies who are now throwing a huge tantrum because they didn't get their way. In my own personal experience with liberals, especially those involved in the media, this is pretty typical: they turn to name-calling and tit-for-tat because laying out a logical and intelligent side to their argument seems to be out of their scope of ability.
Sorry if this offends. Also, if you are a liberal and can lay out a logical and intelligent side to an argument, I would love to talk to you. About anything. It would be a blessed and appreciated change. Finally, before the bloodletting begins, I would like to point out that I do not consider myself a Republican or align myself with their party. Conservative? Fairly. But as of late, I find myself siding heavily with the Libertarian party. I did not vote for Mitt Romney in 2012. (I didn't vote for Obama either.) But I did vote.
Anyway. This was not meant to be a post about party vs. party, nor is it meant to start any fights. It's about Obamacare.
Now, I will be the first to admit that the amount of in-depth research I have done into Obamacare is not a whole lot. I haven't tracked down and read the pages upon pages of the actual bill. I haven't read word for word every detail that the bill entails. But I have done a bit and I've talked to a number of people in the medical field who have read the pages upon pages and have a pretty solid understanding of how it's going to affect them, their jobs and the field within which they work.
Obamacare is going to made health insurance accessible to everyone, even poor folks like me. Great! The first problem is, just like with auto insurance now, the insurance that will be a financial option for a lot of people may not be the best insurance available. The coverage may be limited, deductibles could potentially be higher, that insurance may not be accepted by certain practitioners. Insurance is now "affordable," yes, but is it worth it?
For example: the last company my husband worked for offered medical benefits to their employees. We got a nice little package explaining the costs and the coverage. What we found when we did the math is that the cost of the insurance was no cheaper than paying for everything out of pocket should it happen within a year's time. The monthly premium for a family of four was somewhere between $300 and $400 (which is 20% of his monthly income). That premium covered within a single year: 2 doctors' visits (per person, each of which had a co-pay), 1(one) 24-hour period hospital stay (total), 2 ER visits (total), 1 ambulance ride (total), and a co-pay for every prescription. Anything above and beyond that, we would pay for out-of-pocket. This year, alone, Chaz has spent five days in the hospital, there have been 3 ER visits, the girls have been to the pediatrician numerous times and we've each had at least one prescription we've had to have filled. If we had "taken advantage" of the wonderful health care that Chaz's employer so graciously offered us, we'd have paid at the very least $3,600 in the year, for the coverage alone, plus the out-of-pocket costs for everything that went above and beyond what the insurance covered.
Who's to say that the insurance offered by the Affordable Care Act won't be the same? Heavy deductibles, limited coverage, small networks. Now...maybe it won't be. We'll have to see. But somehow I doubt that the insurance that will be available to me, my family and people like us, will be as nice and comfortable as the health care that the rich and famous have access to. (Or the government, for that matter, who offers us this plan and lauds its benefits to the sky, but isn't bound by its rules. So, it's good enough for us but not good enough for them? Yeah, that makes me feel real good about it.) Because overall, this, like anything else, is a money-making scheme. The insurance companies provide a service for a price. The higher the price, the better the service. You get what you pay for. Insurance companies are being forced to provide "affordable" insurance. This to me, reads cheap. You pay for cheap insurance, you get cheap coverage. I guess we'll have to see how it plays out. And if I'm wrong, I will gladly admit it, because it will mean that Obamacare is working and no matter who put it into motion, if more people can afford good and proper medical care, that is what's important. I just don't believe it yet.
The second problem with this whole thing is that it limits the medical practitioners in what they can do. A friend of mine is one of the supervisors in the ER at the hospital that my family uses. He's had to get pretty up-close and personal with the new laws. And he (being an Obama supporter) does not support this change to our healthcare. He doesn't believe it will work.
Here's a scenario: when a person walks into the ER with certain symptoms, say, chest pains, doctors usually want to run a certain set of tests. These usually include certain cardio tests to check the person's heart, but can also include tests that check the lungs, the blood and other things. In the past, doctors have been able to run any or all of these tests based on their own knowledge and discretion so that they can get a fuller picture of what may or may not be going on and so they don't miss anything and open themselves up to malpractice suits.
Hospitals, unlike private practices, are required to accept any and all insurances. Under this new health care plan, practitioners will be limited in what tests they can run based on the insurance the patient has. If a person comes in with chest pains and has awesome insurance that covers everything, great! But if a person comes in with chest pains and affordable insurance under this plan, doctors are told to run certain chest pain specific tests and nothing else--because that's what the insurance covers. And you know, it's supposed to be affordable. Medical tests that aren't covered under insurance aren't affordable. And if what's wrong with said person actually becomes clear under the covered tests, again, great! But what if it isn't? What if what's wrong is something that isn't typical and can only be discovered by a test that isn't covered? What if that person suffers complications or even dies because the proper treatment for his condition wasn't covered by the affordable health care that the government has required him to have?
Doctors are now open to more malpractice suits, which is going to make more doctors head for the hills. They are going to go into private practice, where they have some level of control over what they can do. Their offices will accept the insurances that cover whatever treatments they may or may not want to do and they will not accept insurances that my limit their ability to practice. And what does that leave those of us stuck with "affordable" aka cheap medical insurance? Cheap medical care.
My family is currently on the medical card because we, like so many, cannot afford private health insurance. When it comes to the kids, this isn't much of an issue because all pediatricians are required by the government to accept the medical card as a form of insurance. So I can take my girls to a good doctor that I know and trust where they get good care.
My husband and me? Well, we're limited to the fairly small number of doctors in the area that actually accept the medical card.
Before I got married, when I was still on my parents' insurance, my doctor was awesome. There was never a time when she didn't spend at least a half hour in the room with me, no matter what was going on. She took her own vitals, she asked her own questions. She did a thorough exam and covered all her bases. She ran tests as she saw fit. She didn't leave anything to chance. And she's like that with all of her patients. I know, I used to work in her office for a short time, as did my mother (for a much longer time).
My doctor now probably sees fifty to a hundred patients a day. I went to see her for chronic back and neck pain after my car accident. She was in the exam room with me for five minutes. She was rushed and detached. She prescribed me some high dose ibruprofen, recommended physical therapy and told me to have a nice day. When I went back six weeks later for a "follow-up" and told her the ibruprofen wasn't making a difference, and that I'd used up the 20 physical therapy sessions that the medical card covers per year and I was still in considerable pain, she basically shrugged and told me I'd just have to learn to live with the pain. There wasn't much else she could do. Again, she was in the room for less than five minutes.
This is the difference between good medical care and affordable medical care. Why would anyone want to pay for affordable health care that they may try like hell not to use because it's crappy? Not too long ago I had a pretty bad sinus infection. I called my doctor's office for an appointment. They couldn't get me in for two weeks and the receptionist, with no sympathy whatsoever, basically told me to suck it up. I called a number of doctor's offices that didn't accept the medical card and was looking at anywhere between $85 and $160 for just the doctor's visit. I ended up going to the ER because I was in so much pain and that was the only place that wouldn't break me. Now, I try as hard as I can to not call my doctor's office. I do suck it up. Because it's not worth the half hour drive to get five minutes and no results. Why would I want to pay a monthly fee for a "service" that I try like hell not to use, because it's crappy?
This is what I fear Obamacare is going to do. It's going to force people to start paying for a service that may not be worth their time, effort and money to pay for. Because it's limited. On paper, it looks like an excellent idea. I just don't see it working in practice.
I suppose only time will tell.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
September 3, 2013--So you know how to blame a victim. Well, that makes you a class act, doesn't it?
**This post has been slightly edited; I was advised by a reader whose opinion I value that it was a bit hard to follow and below my typical standards as a writer. I agree with her and knew that when I posted it, but I originally posted this in an extremely emotional state of mind and had some things I needed to say. Now that I've said them and had some time to reflect, I will try to make my point in a more concise and articulate way. Thank you for reading.**
A few weeks ago I blogged about people being passively judgmental. Now, I have a few things to say about being overtly and blatantly judgmental. Specifically when it comes to a situation that you know absolutely nothing about. More specifically, when it comes to a situation where there is a victim involved, and you feel the need to blame them for said situation. But first, here's a hypothetical situation for you:
"Rowena" is a 26 year old female. She's a pretty typical 26 year old--she's worked a fair amount in food service jobs, every few months she struggles a bit to get her bills paid, she's had a couple of serious relationships that have ended up going nowhere, lately she's been on pins and needles with her roommates and she is now considering how to go about getting a "new start" on her life. Pertinent also to the story is that growing up, her father was physically abusive and her mother wasn't always around.
One day, while hanging out with her best friend and her best friend's husband, Rowena meets Mick, a friend of theirs. There is an instant attraction between Rowena and Mick and they start dating immediately. It's a bit of a whirlwind romance, yes, but for the first time in a while Rowena is happy. About three months into the relationship, much to the dismay of her family and many of her friends and acquaintances, Rowena finds a new job and moves in with Mick. She's found her new start.
Now, a little about "Mick." He's a military vet that has been medically discharged. He's extremely intelligent and gets bored easily. He's fascinated by things like conspiracy theories and dirty politics and he believes in other sentient beings (aka aliens). The word "crazy" has been used to describe him by many people, including his close friends, but that doesn't bother him. Or his friends, for that matter. He's simply "being Mick."
A few weeks after Rowena moves in, Mick decides to check out a local head shop and ends up buying some "fake weed." Also known as incense or bath salts. He has a very bad (although fairly typical) reaction to it. Suddenly he is having hallucinations, he's paranoid, he can't sleep (and doesn't for days). Simply put, he enters a state of drug-induced psychosis.
Rowena, who is completely unfamiliar with this type of situation and who doesn't recognize the guy she's now staying with, does everything she can to help him, to try and stay in control of the situation. She admits to herself that she's in love with Mick, has been for a while, and for that reason she's going to stick by him through this episode...and when it's done, she's going to try like hell to make sure it never happens again, because she's scared.
Unfortunately, in the middle of Mick's psychotic episode, he becomes violent. He hits Rowena, once. She leaves the apartment immediately and seeks medical attention. The police are called and Mick is arrested. Rowena refuses to press charges, however, and because this is Mick's first offense and he has no history of violence he is released. Based on the research she's done and talking to her best friend's husband (who is Mick's best friend and knows him better than just about anybody) Rowena figures that Mick will be coming out of this state anytime, so she goes back to the apartment with the intention of helping him through the rest of it. Two days later, Mick still hasn't come down and he becomes violent again. Rowena again leaves the apartment immediately, calls her friends to come pick her up and starts making arrangements to leave for good. She gets a police escort to move her things out of the apartment the very next day and three days later, she is on her way to stay with a relative who lives out of state. She doesn't speak to Mick again.
Before leaving, she confides in her best friend that she is very worried about Mick and just wants to know if he's okay. She admits to going back to the apartment to look for him but he's gone and she doesn't know where he might have gone. She's called his only relative, who hasn't seen or heard from him. She knows she needs to leave and she is going to, but she loves Mick and needs to know that he's alright. She also tells her best friend that she's feeling a lot of anger, not towards Mick, but towards her father and some of her other friends because they are bombarding her with sentiments like "You should have known better" and "That's what you get" and "You're stupid" and "Why do you care about him, he hit you."
After a teary goodbye, she heads out of state to seek her own help and to move on with her life.
I call this a hypothetical situation, but in reality it is very close to a situation that has recently occurred to someone close to me. I present it as a hypothetical to try and preserve some sense of privacy for the parties involved. And I present the entire story to you to give you an idea of what was going on before I dive into the major point and issue I have with it.
And that issue encompasses two very small but two very strong words: You're stupid.
The words "you're stupid" have been directed towards many people in this world, in many different situations. Whether they are appropriate or not, whether they are said jokingly or not, they can be (and oftentimes are) taken as degrading and hurtful. These two words are specifically degrading and hurtful when they are directed at women (or anyone in that matter) in abusive situations.
Have you ever heard of "battered woman syndrome?" (If not, here's a very basic overview.) Battered woman syndrome is a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder and it refers to women who are physically abused over and over again yet have extreme difficulty leaving the situation they are in. Such women are often referred to as stupid. They are asked, over and over again, "Why don't you just leave?" "If you're in a bad situation, get out of it." "Leave him." "Get out." "If you stay, then you're stupid." Just like in the situation of rape, in cases of battered women, blaming the victim becomes commonplace.
To these people who find themselves justified in addressing these women in such a way, I would like to simply and very politely say: Shut your {insert appropriate adjective here}mouth.
If you have never been in such a situation, you have absolutely no clue as to the psychological trauma that occurs. It's not just about being hit. It's not just about the physical aspect of abuse. It's the mental, emotional and psychological aspects of the abuse. Women are emotional beings, whether we like it or not. And love is a pretty strong emotion. Seriously, what hasn't been done for love? People steal to feed their children, or their parents for that matter. People murder for the sake of their loved ones. Wars have been fought and countries defended by men and women who simply strive to protect the people they love from danger. A lot is done in the name of love. Seeing a woman stay with a man because she loves him, even when he hurts her, is not new. It happens everyday. We see it all the time.
My question then, is this: Can all of these women, each and every one of them, be stupid? Really? Are each and every one of them suffering from a lack of intelligence? Perhaps that is easy to assume. However, might there actually be something else going on, something under the surface that we, who haven't experienced what they've experienced, cannot possibly understand? Might there possibly be some sort of psychological damage that is done, some sort of thought process that they cannot escape that might be influencing their decisions? Gee, there's a thought.
Battered women have often suffered abuse their entire lives (as Rowena did). They are brought up believing that they are somehow at fault for the abuse. They blame themselves and constantly try to "do better" knowing that they will continually fall short. And when they find themselves in a similar situation as an adult, with a boyfriend or husband, they continue to believe that somehow the situation is their fault. So instead of leaving, they continue to try harder, to do better, to be better and if they are, the abuse will stop. This thought process is textbook. It happens in almost every case. Not because the woman is "stupid"--not because she lacks intelligence or common sense--but because abuse is cyclic. And the victim is stuck in that cycle. Breaking away from it is extremely difficult and oftentimes it takes months if not years to achieve...if it ever is achieved.
"Rowena" was not even suffering from battered woman syndrome. Her case had not gone that far. She was not with Mick long enough and the abuse hadn't been going on long enough for it to qualify. He hit her twice within the same number of days and that was enough for her to get out, to leave. Was it hard for her? Yes. Did she still claim feelings for him, did she worry about him and his well-being because she loved him? Absolutely. But she left. She got out. She did it a lot more quickly than most women ever do.
And yet, she was still called stupid. By her abusive father, no less. And by others who were supposed to be supportive and loving in this situation. People she should have been able to depend on.
So, here's my newsflash for all you loving and supportive {read: judgmental} people out there: Being superior does NOT equal being supportive. Sure, you may have looked at a situation from the outside and not agreed with the actions and decisions of those you claim to care about. You may have looked at the situation and said, "That's not going to turn out well." And you may even be right. Congratulations. However, when it goes wrong, as it indubitably will sometimes, you then take great pleasure and pride in being able to say "I told you so." Guess what? Saying "I told you so" makes you a {insert appropriate not-so-nice term here}. It may make you feel better, it may make you feel justified, but it just makes the person you told it to feel even worse than they already do. And here's another newsflash for you: This isn't about you!
"Rowena" went through a trauma. Every woman (or man, or child) who is abused suffers trauma. They all suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and the swirling thoughts in their own heads. They are already telling themselves that they are stupid, that they are wrong for loving a person who would hit them, that they shouldn't be worried about that person, that everyone around them that has warned them about getting together or moving in with a person they've known for so little time was right. Even worse, they believe they're somehow responsible for the situation. Having all of those sentiments repeated harshly and heavily in their ears is not helpful. It only makes the situation that much worse.
This is how it is for every person who is victimized. They each go through the same very specific set of reactions. They blame themselves. They rationalize their abuser's actions. They believe their abusers when they're promised that the abuse is over. Things like PTSD, battered woman syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome aren't just money making schemes by the shrinks of this world. They're real. They happen. To millions of people every day. And they're not simple. They are complicated, difficult states of being to deal with and to be successfully treated, they demand a strong support system for the victim.
So if you know a victim and all you can think to say to them is "you should have known better" or "I told you so," do me--and them--a favor and keep your mouth shut. Congratulations. You are omniscient and all-powerful and your hindsight is 20/20. In the meantime, while you're patting yourself on the back for being so wonderful, the person you claim to love is falling to pieces. Way to go on being a grade-A {insert another appropriate not-so-nice term here}. I'm sure my sentiments are obvious.
A few weeks ago I blogged about people being passively judgmental. Now, I have a few things to say about being overtly and blatantly judgmental. Specifically when it comes to a situation that you know absolutely nothing about. More specifically, when it comes to a situation where there is a victim involved, and you feel the need to blame them for said situation. But first, here's a hypothetical situation for you:
"Rowena" is a 26 year old female. She's a pretty typical 26 year old--she's worked a fair amount in food service jobs, every few months she struggles a bit to get her bills paid, she's had a couple of serious relationships that have ended up going nowhere, lately she's been on pins and needles with her roommates and she is now considering how to go about getting a "new start" on her life. Pertinent also to the story is that growing up, her father was physically abusive and her mother wasn't always around.
One day, while hanging out with her best friend and her best friend's husband, Rowena meets Mick, a friend of theirs. There is an instant attraction between Rowena and Mick and they start dating immediately. It's a bit of a whirlwind romance, yes, but for the first time in a while Rowena is happy. About three months into the relationship, much to the dismay of her family and many of her friends and acquaintances, Rowena finds a new job and moves in with Mick. She's found her new start.
Now, a little about "Mick." He's a military vet that has been medically discharged. He's extremely intelligent and gets bored easily. He's fascinated by things like conspiracy theories and dirty politics and he believes in other sentient beings (aka aliens). The word "crazy" has been used to describe him by many people, including his close friends, but that doesn't bother him. Or his friends, for that matter. He's simply "being Mick."
A few weeks after Rowena moves in, Mick decides to check out a local head shop and ends up buying some "fake weed." Also known as incense or bath salts. He has a very bad (although fairly typical) reaction to it. Suddenly he is having hallucinations, he's paranoid, he can't sleep (and doesn't for days). Simply put, he enters a state of drug-induced psychosis.
Rowena, who is completely unfamiliar with this type of situation and who doesn't recognize the guy she's now staying with, does everything she can to help him, to try and stay in control of the situation. She admits to herself that she's in love with Mick, has been for a while, and for that reason she's going to stick by him through this episode...and when it's done, she's going to try like hell to make sure it never happens again, because she's scared.
Unfortunately, in the middle of Mick's psychotic episode, he becomes violent. He hits Rowena, once. She leaves the apartment immediately and seeks medical attention. The police are called and Mick is arrested. Rowena refuses to press charges, however, and because this is Mick's first offense and he has no history of violence he is released. Based on the research she's done and talking to her best friend's husband (who is Mick's best friend and knows him better than just about anybody) Rowena figures that Mick will be coming out of this state anytime, so she goes back to the apartment with the intention of helping him through the rest of it. Two days later, Mick still hasn't come down and he becomes violent again. Rowena again leaves the apartment immediately, calls her friends to come pick her up and starts making arrangements to leave for good. She gets a police escort to move her things out of the apartment the very next day and three days later, she is on her way to stay with a relative who lives out of state. She doesn't speak to Mick again.
Before leaving, she confides in her best friend that she is very worried about Mick and just wants to know if he's okay. She admits to going back to the apartment to look for him but he's gone and she doesn't know where he might have gone. She's called his only relative, who hasn't seen or heard from him. She knows she needs to leave and she is going to, but she loves Mick and needs to know that he's alright. She also tells her best friend that she's feeling a lot of anger, not towards Mick, but towards her father and some of her other friends because they are bombarding her with sentiments like "You should have known better" and "That's what you get" and "You're stupid" and "Why do you care about him, he hit you."
After a teary goodbye, she heads out of state to seek her own help and to move on with her life.
I call this a hypothetical situation, but in reality it is very close to a situation that has recently occurred to someone close to me. I present it as a hypothetical to try and preserve some sense of privacy for the parties involved. And I present the entire story to you to give you an idea of what was going on before I dive into the major point and issue I have with it.
And that issue encompasses two very small but two very strong words: You're stupid.
The words "you're stupid" have been directed towards many people in this world, in many different situations. Whether they are appropriate or not, whether they are said jokingly or not, they can be (and oftentimes are) taken as degrading and hurtful. These two words are specifically degrading and hurtful when they are directed at women (or anyone in that matter) in abusive situations.
Have you ever heard of "battered woman syndrome?" (If not, here's a very basic overview.) Battered woman syndrome is a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder and it refers to women who are physically abused over and over again yet have extreme difficulty leaving the situation they are in. Such women are often referred to as stupid. They are asked, over and over again, "Why don't you just leave?" "If you're in a bad situation, get out of it." "Leave him." "Get out." "If you stay, then you're stupid." Just like in the situation of rape, in cases of battered women, blaming the victim becomes commonplace.
To these people who find themselves justified in addressing these women in such a way, I would like to simply and very politely say: Shut your {insert appropriate adjective here}mouth.
If you have never been in such a situation, you have absolutely no clue as to the psychological trauma that occurs. It's not just about being hit. It's not just about the physical aspect of abuse. It's the mental, emotional and psychological aspects of the abuse. Women are emotional beings, whether we like it or not. And love is a pretty strong emotion. Seriously, what hasn't been done for love? People steal to feed their children, or their parents for that matter. People murder for the sake of their loved ones. Wars have been fought and countries defended by men and women who simply strive to protect the people they love from danger. A lot is done in the name of love. Seeing a woman stay with a man because she loves him, even when he hurts her, is not new. It happens everyday. We see it all the time.
My question then, is this: Can all of these women, each and every one of them, be stupid? Really? Are each and every one of them suffering from a lack of intelligence? Perhaps that is easy to assume. However, might there actually be something else going on, something under the surface that we, who haven't experienced what they've experienced, cannot possibly understand? Might there possibly be some sort of psychological damage that is done, some sort of thought process that they cannot escape that might be influencing their decisions? Gee, there's a thought.
Battered women have often suffered abuse their entire lives (as Rowena did). They are brought up believing that they are somehow at fault for the abuse. They blame themselves and constantly try to "do better" knowing that they will continually fall short. And when they find themselves in a similar situation as an adult, with a boyfriend or husband, they continue to believe that somehow the situation is their fault. So instead of leaving, they continue to try harder, to do better, to be better and if they are, the abuse will stop. This thought process is textbook. It happens in almost every case. Not because the woman is "stupid"--not because she lacks intelligence or common sense--but because abuse is cyclic. And the victim is stuck in that cycle. Breaking away from it is extremely difficult and oftentimes it takes months if not years to achieve...if it ever is achieved.
"Rowena" was not even suffering from battered woman syndrome. Her case had not gone that far. She was not with Mick long enough and the abuse hadn't been going on long enough for it to qualify. He hit her twice within the same number of days and that was enough for her to get out, to leave. Was it hard for her? Yes. Did she still claim feelings for him, did she worry about him and his well-being because she loved him? Absolutely. But she left. She got out. She did it a lot more quickly than most women ever do.
And yet, she was still called stupid. By her abusive father, no less. And by others who were supposed to be supportive and loving in this situation. People she should have been able to depend on.
So, here's my newsflash for all you loving and supportive {read: judgmental} people out there: Being superior does NOT equal being supportive. Sure, you may have looked at a situation from the outside and not agreed with the actions and decisions of those you claim to care about. You may have looked at the situation and said, "That's not going to turn out well." And you may even be right. Congratulations. However, when it goes wrong, as it indubitably will sometimes, you then take great pleasure and pride in being able to say "I told you so." Guess what? Saying "I told you so" makes you a {insert appropriate not-so-nice term here}. It may make you feel better, it may make you feel justified, but it just makes the person you told it to feel even worse than they already do. And here's another newsflash for you: This isn't about you!
"Rowena" went through a trauma. Every woman (or man, or child) who is abused suffers trauma. They all suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and the swirling thoughts in their own heads. They are already telling themselves that they are stupid, that they are wrong for loving a person who would hit them, that they shouldn't be worried about that person, that everyone around them that has warned them about getting together or moving in with a person they've known for so little time was right. Even worse, they believe they're somehow responsible for the situation. Having all of those sentiments repeated harshly and heavily in their ears is not helpful. It only makes the situation that much worse.
This is how it is for every person who is victimized. They each go through the same very specific set of reactions. They blame themselves. They rationalize their abuser's actions. They believe their abusers when they're promised that the abuse is over. Things like PTSD, battered woman syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome aren't just money making schemes by the shrinks of this world. They're real. They happen. To millions of people every day. And they're not simple. They are complicated, difficult states of being to deal with and to be successfully treated, they demand a strong support system for the victim.
So if you know a victim and all you can think to say to them is "you should have known better" or "I told you so," do me--and them--a favor and keep your mouth shut. Congratulations. You are omniscient and all-powerful and your hindsight is 20/20. In the meantime, while you're patting yourself on the back for being so wonderful, the person you claim to love is falling to pieces. Way to go on being a grade-A {insert another appropriate not-so-nice term here}. I'm sure my sentiments are obvious.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."--Plato
You may have absolutely no idea just how hard a battle a person may be fighting and that alone is reason enough to take a second before whipping your judgments around. If you do however, have even an inkling of how hard a person's battle might be, all the more reason to send them your support, your love, your shoulder, and keep your petty and unnecessary judgments to yourself. Whether you think you're right or not. Their battle is hard enough. They don't need you making it harder. You may want to remember that when you find yourself in a battle and realize you have nobody willing to fight for you because you were unable to fight for them.
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