A few weeks ago I blogged about people being passively judgmental. Now, I have a few things to say about being overtly and blatantly judgmental. Specifically when it comes to a situation that you know absolutely nothing about. More specifically, when it comes to a situation where there is a victim involved, and you feel the need to blame them for said situation. But first, here's a hypothetical situation for you:
"Rowena" is a 26 year old female. She's a pretty typical 26 year old--she's worked a fair amount in food service jobs, every few months she struggles a bit to get her bills paid, she's had a couple of serious relationships that have ended up going nowhere, lately she's been on pins and needles with her roommates and she is now considering how to go about getting a "new start" on her life. Pertinent also to the story is that growing up, her father was physically abusive and her mother wasn't always around.
One day, while hanging out with her best friend and her best friend's husband, Rowena meets Mick, a friend of theirs. There is an instant attraction between Rowena and Mick and they start dating immediately. It's a bit of a whirlwind romance, yes, but for the first time in a while Rowena is happy. About three months into the relationship, much to the dismay of her family and many of her friends and acquaintances, Rowena finds a new job and moves in with Mick. She's found her new start.
Now, a little about "Mick." He's a military vet that has been medically discharged. He's extremely intelligent and gets bored easily. He's fascinated by things like conspiracy theories and dirty politics and he believes in other sentient beings (aka aliens). The word "crazy" has been used to describe him by many people, including his close friends, but that doesn't bother him. Or his friends, for that matter. He's simply "being Mick."
A few weeks after Rowena moves in, Mick decides to check out a local head shop and ends up buying some "fake weed." Also known as incense or bath salts. He has a very bad (although fairly typical) reaction to it. Suddenly he is having hallucinations, he's paranoid, he can't sleep (and doesn't for days). Simply put, he enters a state of drug-induced psychosis.
Rowena, who is completely unfamiliar with this type of situation and who doesn't recognize the guy she's now staying with, does everything she can to help him, to try and stay in control of the situation. She admits to herself that she's in love with Mick, has been for a while, and for that reason she's going to stick by him through this episode...and when it's done, she's going to try like hell to make sure it never happens again, because she's scared.
Unfortunately, in the middle of Mick's psychotic episode, he becomes violent. He hits Rowena, once. She leaves the apartment immediately and seeks medical attention. The police are called and Mick is arrested. Rowena refuses to press charges, however, and because this is Mick's first offense and he has no history of violence he is released. Based on the research she's done and talking to her best friend's husband (who is Mick's best friend and knows him better than just about anybody) Rowena figures that Mick will be coming out of this state anytime, so she goes back to the apartment with the intention of helping him through the rest of it. Two days later, Mick still hasn't come down and he becomes violent again. Rowena again leaves the apartment immediately, calls her friends to come pick her up and starts making arrangements to leave for good. She gets a police escort to move her things out of the apartment the very next day and three days later, she is on her way to stay with a relative who lives out of state. She doesn't speak to Mick again.
Before leaving, she confides in her best friend that she is very worried about Mick and just wants to know if he's okay. She admits to going back to the apartment to look for him but he's gone and she doesn't know where he might have gone. She's called his only relative, who hasn't seen or heard from him. She knows she needs to leave and she is going to, but she loves Mick and needs to know that he's alright. She also tells her best friend that she's feeling a lot of anger, not towards Mick, but towards her father and some of her other friends because they are bombarding her with sentiments like "You should have known better" and "That's what you get" and "You're stupid" and "Why do you care about him, he hit you."
After a teary goodbye, she heads out of state to seek her own help and to move on with her life.
I call this a hypothetical situation, but in reality it is very close to a situation that has recently occurred to someone close to me. I present it as a hypothetical to try and preserve some sense of privacy for the parties involved. And I present the entire story to you to give you an idea of what was going on before I dive into the major point and issue I have with it.
And that issue encompasses two very small but two very strong words: You're stupid.
The words "you're stupid" have been directed towards many people in this world, in many different situations. Whether they are appropriate or not, whether they are said jokingly or not, they can be (and oftentimes are) taken as degrading and hurtful. These two words are specifically degrading and hurtful when they are directed at women (or anyone in that matter) in abusive situations.
Have you ever heard of "battered woman syndrome?" (If not, here's a very basic overview.) Battered woman syndrome is a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder and it refers to women who are physically abused over and over again yet have extreme difficulty leaving the situation they are in. Such women are often referred to as stupid. They are asked, over and over again, "Why don't you just leave?" "If you're in a bad situation, get out of it." "Leave him." "Get out." "If you stay, then you're stupid." Just like in the situation of rape, in cases of battered women, blaming the victim becomes commonplace.
To these people who find themselves justified in addressing these women in such a way, I would like to simply and very politely say: Shut your {insert appropriate adjective here}mouth.
If you have never been in such a situation, you have absolutely no clue as to the psychological trauma that occurs. It's not just about being hit. It's not just about the physical aspect of abuse. It's the mental, emotional and psychological aspects of the abuse. Women are emotional beings, whether we like it or not. And love is a pretty strong emotion. Seriously, what hasn't been done for love? People steal to feed their children, or their parents for that matter. People murder for the sake of their loved ones. Wars have been fought and countries defended by men and women who simply strive to protect the people they love from danger. A lot is done in the name of love. Seeing a woman stay with a man because she loves him, even when he hurts her, is not new. It happens everyday. We see it all the time.
My question then, is this: Can all of these women, each and every one of them, be stupid? Really? Are each and every one of them suffering from a lack of intelligence? Perhaps that is easy to assume. However, might there actually be something else going on, something under the surface that we, who haven't experienced what they've experienced, cannot possibly understand? Might there possibly be some sort of psychological damage that is done, some sort of thought process that they cannot escape that might be influencing their decisions? Gee, there's a thought.
Battered women have often suffered abuse their entire lives (as Rowena did). They are brought up believing that they are somehow at fault for the abuse. They blame themselves and constantly try to "do better" knowing that they will continually fall short. And when they find themselves in a similar situation as an adult, with a boyfriend or husband, they continue to believe that somehow the situation is their fault. So instead of leaving, they continue to try harder, to do better, to be better and if they are, the abuse will stop. This thought process is textbook. It happens in almost every case. Not because the woman is "stupid"--not because she lacks intelligence or common sense--but because abuse is cyclic. And the victim is stuck in that cycle. Breaking away from it is extremely difficult and oftentimes it takes months if not years to achieve...if it ever is achieved.
"Rowena" was not even suffering from battered woman syndrome. Her case had not gone that far. She was not with Mick long enough and the abuse hadn't been going on long enough for it to qualify. He hit her twice within the same number of days and that was enough for her to get out, to leave. Was it hard for her? Yes. Did she still claim feelings for him, did she worry about him and his well-being because she loved him? Absolutely. But she left. She got out. She did it a lot more quickly than most women ever do.
And yet, she was still called stupid. By her abusive father, no less. And by others who were supposed to be supportive and loving in this situation. People she should have been able to depend on.
So, here's my newsflash for all you loving and supportive {read: judgmental} people out there: Being superior does NOT equal being supportive. Sure, you may have looked at a situation from the outside and not agreed with the actions and decisions of those you claim to care about. You may have looked at the situation and said, "That's not going to turn out well." And you may even be right. Congratulations. However, when it goes wrong, as it indubitably will sometimes, you then take great pleasure and pride in being able to say "I told you so." Guess what? Saying "I told you so" makes you a {insert appropriate not-so-nice term here}. It may make you feel better, it may make you feel justified, but it just makes the person you told it to feel even worse than they already do. And here's another newsflash for you: This isn't about you!
"Rowena" went through a trauma. Every woman (or man, or child) who is abused suffers trauma. They all suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and the swirling thoughts in their own heads. They are already telling themselves that they are stupid, that they are wrong for loving a person who would hit them, that they shouldn't be worried about that person, that everyone around them that has warned them about getting together or moving in with a person they've known for so little time was right. Even worse, they believe they're somehow responsible for the situation. Having all of those sentiments repeated harshly and heavily in their ears is not helpful. It only makes the situation that much worse.
This is how it is for every person who is victimized. They each go through the same very specific set of reactions. They blame themselves. They rationalize their abuser's actions. They believe their abusers when they're promised that the abuse is over. Things like PTSD, battered woman syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome aren't just money making schemes by the shrinks of this world. They're real. They happen. To millions of people every day. And they're not simple. They are complicated, difficult states of being to deal with and to be successfully treated, they demand a strong support system for the victim.
So if you know a victim and all you can think to say to them is "you should have known better" or "I told you so," do me--and them--a favor and keep your mouth shut. Congratulations. You are omniscient and all-powerful and your hindsight is 20/20. In the meantime, while you're patting yourself on the back for being so wonderful, the person you claim to love is falling to pieces. Way to go on being a grade-A {insert another appropriate not-so-nice term here}. I'm sure my sentiments are obvious.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."--Plato
You may have absolutely no idea just how hard a battle a person may be fighting and that alone is reason enough to take a second before whipping your judgments around. If you do however, have even an inkling of how hard a person's battle might be, all the more reason to send them your support, your love, your shoulder, and keep your petty and unnecessary judgments to yourself. Whether you think you're right or not. Their battle is hard enough. They don't need you making it harder. You may want to remember that when you find yourself in a battle and realize you have nobody willing to fight for you because you were unable to fight for them.
This is more accurate than most people realize - thanks for your thoughts.
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