However....
I've always kept my writing somewhat contained. The longest piece I've ever written was the twelve-page research paper required in some college class I've long since forgotten. I've written some short stories, placed in a small contest or two. I've done the same with poetry. But longer pieces...novellas...novels...I've always shied away from those.
Until recently. My sister-in-law asked me to sign up with her to do one of NaNoWriMo's summer camps, where you try to write a novel in a month. I didn't figure on being able to do that. I actually pretty much figured when I signed up that I wasn't going to do it. But nearly a week into the month of April, I sat down and forced myself to start writing. I'd set myself a goal of 30,000 words and on the 26th of April, I had a final word count of over 34.000 words. In less than three weeks, I've "written a novel." Well, more like a novella at this point. But I'm a NaNoWriMo winner.
Here's the thing....
While I was writing, I was really excited about what I was doing. Every time I got to update my word count and saw the progress I was making, I was exhilarated. I really hadn't even planned on doing this, and now here I was actually doing it. I hit my 30,000 word mark and felt ten feet tall.
Since then however, I have realized that it's not really a novel at this point. It's just a word count. It needs a lot of work...and I mean, a lot. The ending's not even fully completed because I can't get it to come out the way I want it to. Sitting and talking to Chaz about it Sunday night, I told him that I was having trouble because the ending felt contrived. And when I briefly explained the plot to him, he told me that the reason my ending felt contrived...was because it is. In real life, my plot wouldn't work the way I've written it.
I've picked up on that a bit as I've written. I've had to stop a number of times and think about how I'm going to make things work. Turns out, it's not working at all. It need a major overhaul. And I mean, MAJOR. Looking back at what I've written, I like the voice it's written in, I like my word choices, I like the ease with which it's read. But the plot sucks.
A crappy plot is what has held me back in the past. I'm just not good at putting together a long, detailed, organized plot. In the same vein, it's why I'm not a good chess player. I don't tend to think that far ahead. I don't know that that means I'm not a good writer/author, or it just means I'm not meant to write a novel. Or maybe it just means that nobody...well, not nobody, but at least not me...writes a bestseller in twenty days.
Now I have a decision to make: do I leave it as is and walk away, simply happy with the pride I feel in reaching a goal I set for myself, or do I go back and read and edit and reshape and recreate until I have a piece of work that I'm truly happy with?
I do know that now that I've written such a large piece (whether it's good or not), I know that I am capable of sticking with something long-term--so I can't use that as an excuse to not do it anymore. I can do it if I really put my mind to it and decide I want to do it. And that is refreshing to know.
All artists, I've been told (from a friend who is also an artist in her own right) go through this process of taking their raw first drafts and shaping them into the final works they become. Now I have to decide--am I really an artist?
I guess only time will tell.
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