Pain is a really strong thing. And I don't just mean physical pain. Emotional, psychological, mental pain--it's a really strong thing.
I've done quite a bit of self-evaluation recently and I've come to a couple conclusions:
The first is that for most of my life I've been a pretty judgmental person. I've viewed the world in black and white, in right and wrong, with no real middle ground. No grey area. The problem with that is, the world isn't black and white. There is grey area. I've ignored that and made judgments, wrong judgments, about a lot of things, a lot of people.
The second is that I've taken my high pain threshold for granted. Most of my life I've dealt with pain, physical pain, well. But it's been short-term pain. The long-term pain I've dealt with since my car accident has come close to unhinging me at times. In the past 18 months there have been times when I've been so focused on how much pain I'm in, that I've missed all the good that was going on around me. I've missed moments with my kids, picked fights with my husband, ignored the chances handed to me to make and keep friends.
The third and final is that I don't deal with emotional pain nearly as well as I do (or did) physical pain. I took a pretty heavy emotional blow a few years ago from someone that I had counted as a very good friend and I have let that situation taint my judgment about more recent happenings. I judged another very good friend based on what the other had done previously and it was a huge mistake. Huge. I severed a longstanding relationship and now I don't know that it will be able to be repaired. I've taken steps to try but it will be a very long, very slow process.
The combination of the emotional pain I've been hanging on to for far too long and the physical pain from a car accident and pregnancy did not make for a good cocktail. I drowned in my pain for a long time; I let it consume everything. I let it take over who I was as a person, I let it control my actions, I let it sway my decisions. And now I'm being forced to try and make amends for things I did, for the person I was. It's a large pill to swallow.
Saying sorry to a person I care for deeply, to a person I threw away like garbage, was not easy. Listening to her figuratively rip me a new one and put me severely in my place was harder. I've never been one to readily admit when I was wrong. I've never been one to think I was wrong, let alone tell someone else I was.
But I was wrong here. And while admitting it wasn't fun, it was easier than having the person I admitted it to tell me she wasn't sure she believed me. It was easier than having her tell me that I should be sorry, that I had shown my "true colors" and that she didn't need me. It was easier than having to finally admit to myself that I had acted like the people I have condemned for so long because they treated me like I treated her.
That's not who I am, but I was so bogged down with the things I was going through, the hardships I was dealing with, the pain I was in, that I couldn't see the things she was going through, the hardships she was dealing with, the pain she was in. I let my pain control me.
Don't let your pain take over. Don't let it become the only thing you can focus on. Don't let it control you. Because it can cause you to make some bad decisions, it can make you do some awful things. And it doesn't make for a very good excuse, even if it is a valid one.
Get help. See a doctor. Talk to someone. Don't shut people out because you think they can't or won't understand. Keep your people around you and do whatever it takes to keep them close. Because without the people you care about, who care about you, around you, all you have left is your pain. And pain isn't a real nice companion.
Pain is a really strong thing. Don't let it be stronger than you.
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