In high school I was an fairly active person. I played volleyball my freshman year. I was involved in show choir all four years, which involved a fair amount of dancing and movement. My mom and I went out and walked/ran the local park as much as the weather allowed. I ate my fair share of ice cream and candy bars but I also ate a lot of fruits and vegetables too. I was healthy.
Over the past few years, my focus has shifted away from being healthy and back to being thin. Now, I am never going to be "skinny." I'm never going to fit into a size 6 or 8 pant or wear a medium shirt (my bust wouldn't allow that even if I were skinny). But I don't have the body frame that allows for being that small. If I can get back down to a size 12 pant (what I wore in high school) that would mean that I was in good enough shape to do the activities I was doing then. Walking and running multiple miles three to five times a week. Not being completely winded after a few minutes of cardio. Being able to do a weight routine and the next day not feeling like I'm going to fall apart. It would mean that I was back to being healthy.
Having two daughters has really brought my focus back to being healthy and reminded me of how important it is that I have a good body image and a good self-image. Because if I can't convince myself that I'm beautiful, if I don't believe that I'm beautiful, how on earth am I going to convince my daughters that they are beautiful when everything else in this world is telling them they're not good enough? I don't want my daughters to go through what I went through in high school. I don't want them doubting themselves. I don't want them believing that they're not good enough, not pretty enough, not "skinny" enough. I don't want them to even consider, let alone succumb to a bout of bulimia, like I did. Not eating and puking up what you do is NOT ok. I don't ever want them to get there.
Advertising, marketing, media. For the longest time, I've considered them the enemies. Because they flaunt these tiny women, this minute minority of women who do not represent the masses, and convince us all that this is what we should strive for. Don't get me wrong--I have no issues with the actual women who are in these ads--they are beautiful and they've done what they've had to do to keep themselves looking like that. I have a healthy respect for "skinny" people--especially the ones who are healthy and skinny.
But most of us don't look like that. And that's why I'm seriously considering turning to Dove for all of my hygienic needs. Shampoo, body wash, etc. Because, finally, finally, a company has stood up and said "Damn what people might say--we are going to stand up for the masses. We are not going to be exclusionary, but we are going to support all women in whatever walk of life they may be traversing. We are going to stand up for health, not for a number on a scale, and we are going to encourage women to love themselves."
For so long now I have been so focused on the fact that I'm 70 pounds overweight and how much I hate myself for it. And I don't know about others, but in my case, my hatred of myself does not encourage me to get up and do something about it. It's just so much easier to wallow in my self-hatred by diving into a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
However, there are so many more positive things about myself to focus on. I'm a mother, and according to the people around me, a pretty good one. I've developed a sense of patience that I never had. Through help and encouragement from my husband I've learned to be less judgmental and more accepting. In a month I put nearly 35,000 words on paper and am well on my way to writing a novel that I'm proud of--a dream I've had since I was very young. I cross-stitch well. I'm proud of the house I have, of how I've learned to manage it and the improvements I want to make to it. And thinking of all these things makes me proud of the person I'm becoming and I want my outside to reflect my inside. I want to look good because for the first time in I don't know how long, I feel good--about myself. Not just about my girls or the fact that my house is clean. I feel good about me. And therein lies my motivation.
^^This is who I want to be. This is how I want to feel.^^
Thank you, Dove, for standing up for women of all shapes and sizes. Thank you for standing up for my girls, and giving them something to strive for. Thank you for standing up for me, for making me finally see that I am good enough, that I am beautiful enough, and that despite all that, I can be better. I can be better for myself, for my daughters, for my sisters, blood or no. I can be a better wife and a better mother. I can finally learn to love myself in a way I have never done at any point in my life. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment