But lately, I've found myself intrigued by what other people have to say, especially when it comes to being a mom and parenting. I would guess this is probably fairly typical for most parents, but I find myself questioning myself a lot these days. Having two girls and watching them interact, I constantly am second-guessing how I should react to this scenario or that scenario. I didn't have a sister and although I did have a brother, I don't remember a lot of our younger years interactions. Plus, we were three and a half years apart. My girls are separated by a scant nineteen months. It changes the dynamic just a little bit, I'm sure.
But I digress.
As I said, I take the time to read quite a bit online now and yesterday I was amazed by the wide spectrum of opinions, statements, reactions, etc about the fact that it was Mother's Day.
My Facebook feed yesterday was inundated (as I'm sure most people's were) with statuses wishing women a Happy Mother's Day. Many (including my own) had specific women tagged, ranging from mothers, to mother-in-laws, to sisters who happened to be mothers, to aunts, to friends, etc.
One of my friends, who is not a very big fan of children (which is completely his right) wished a good day to women who have chosen to deal with the massive amounts of poop, vomit and pee that accompany a small child. It was drenched in sarcasm. Another friend's status gave a shout-out to all the women who have adopted, or fostered, or simply chosen not to procreate. A family member stated later in the day that there was nothing wrong with celebrating those who choose to be parents and if other people have a problem with such set-aside days, they can simply shut up.
I read one blog that I later shared, written by a mother who spoke lovingly of her four sons and her appreciation for the same-old, same-old gifts she is given every year and the sloppily hand-drawn cards she is presented with. She then went on to say that part of the reason she is so grateful for these things is because she knows there are many women out there who do not have the same privilege. She spoke of the women who have lost their children due to miscarriage, to stillbirth or to late complications. She mentioned the mothers of Aurora, CO and Newtown, CT who are spending this Mother's Day without the children they have had by their side for so many years. She spoke of the Boston bombing and the families--mothers, fathers and children alike--who were ripped apart so recently. She wished blessings on them all and said an extra thank-you for her own children who spent the day safe in her loving embrace.
I read another blog, written by another woman, speaking out for all those women who do not hold the title of mother and are "excluded" on this celebratory day. She wrote in support of the women who put their careers first. The women who do not believe it is fair to be bring a child into this degenerative world in which we live. The women who are not married and don't wish to have children outside of marriage. She gave a shout-out to the women unable to have children for whatever reason, medical or otherwise as well as to those who have lost children. Her message was basically that either mothers in general or whoever came up with the concept of Mother's Day or the mothers who are loud and proud about their state of motherhood should get over themselves and quit lauding their own state of being over those who have chosen a different lifestyle. It was in response to people like this that I'm assuming my family member was commenting on.
I have a friend who recently lost her son. Those of you who have kept up with my blog probably know of whom I speak. Her greatest wish in life has always been to be a mother. Her greatest loss was when her son died in her arms at the age of only three weeks. She has since agonized over how she would spend this day that is set aside to celebrate motherhood. She has questioned whether she is still a mother at this point, or more accurately, should she celebrate being a mother when her son is no longer with her.
All this being said, I would like to give (without being too long-winded, I hope) my response to the wide spectrum of statuses, blogs, statements, etc., I was exposed to yesterday.
The day is called Mother's Day, yes. Whether you are a mother or not may or may not be your choice. Whether you are or you're not, you have a mother. Each one of us came from another. And I know that not every one of us is blessed with a good mother. I would go into detail about another family member of mine, but that might not be the smartest thing I've ever done. Suffice it to say, I'm familiar with the not-so-good moms as well as the awesome ones.
The point is, we all owe our existence to a woman that at some point, somewhere, somehow, gave birth to us. The life we are living is due to a woman, a mother, growing us in her body for up to nine months and then expelling us from her body and setting us loose on the world. That in and of itself, should be reason to celebrate. Celebrating our mothers, in a way allows us to celebrate ourselves.
If you have the most awesome mother in the world, use the day to remember that fact, and to tell her so. If you had a not-so-good mother, use the day to remind yourself of the kind of person you don't want to be, the kind of parent you don't want to be if you've decided to have kids.
If you're a woman who has been blessed with children that are living with you now, use the day to embrace your state of motherhood, hug your children tight and appreciate the wonderful gift you've been given. Use your influence well and remember that your children will emulate you--be a good example. And yes, don't be ashamed to take a break by hiding in the bathroom, taking an unscheduled nap, or hiring a babysitter while you go out to dinner.
If you're a woman who has lost a child, remember that Mother's Day does not change what happened one way or the other. If you celebrate it, it doesn't mean you're not showing enough respect or grief for the child you lost. If you don't celebrate it, it doesn't mean you're a martyr. Only you can know how best to handle the day and no one has any right to judge how you do so. Losing a child makes you no less of a mother, though, and we mothers who have not suffered your pain will still do all we can to support you because we can only hope that were the situation reversed, you would do the same for us.
If you're a woman who gave up a child, you are a stronger and better mother than many. Giving up a child knowing that it's the best decision for the child, even if it's not the best decision for you, makes you the best parent you could possibly be. You're allowed to celebrate the fact that you did what was right, and if you don't want to celebrate, you're perfectly justified in that as well. That's another kind of pain that most of us don't and can't understand.
If you're a woman who has chosen to not have kids, for whatever reason, use the day to celebrate your own mother, or if your own mother is a not-so-good parent, just treat the day like any other. I mean, seriously, you are allowed to not want kids. You're allowed to not have kids. You're allowed to put your career first. Making those decisions does not in any way make you less of a woman (and if any mother tries to tell you differently, they're wrong). Some women are not meant to be mothers, and if you are one of them, thank you for knowing that, acknowledging it and not adding to the burden of the system. Women who do not have kids are to be admired for their accomplishments just as much as women who choose to stay home and raise children.
However...if you are one of these women, you also have to realize that you made a decision and you can't resent the presence of a holiday that has been around for over a century. That would be like the Jews complaining that Christians celebrate Christmas, just because they don't believe that Jesus is the Christ, or worse, Christians complaining that Jews celebrate Hanukkah. That would be like resenting Secretaries Day (I think it's called Administrative Assistant Appreciation or some such thing these days) because you don't work in an office or hating Thanksgiving/Turkey Day because you decided to become a vegetarian.
There will always be holidays that don't apply to someone. Should we not celebrate Valentine's Day because not every person is in a relationship? Should we not celebrate the 4th of July because not everyone feels patriotic? If you don't agree with what a recognized holiday celebrates, or if it doesn't apply to you, simply enjoy your day off, or the awesome store sales, and move on. Celebrate the fact that you're not a mom and don't have to deal with the poop and the vomit and the 3am feedings and the whining and the PTA meetings. Celebrate that you can still sleep in on your Saturdays and go out with friends without considering whether or not you can find a babysitter and have sex in whichever room of the house you please whenever you please because you don't have to worry about your toddler walking in on you screaming, "Mommy, I have to go potty!"
And for those of us that have decided that having to schedule sex and waking up at 7am seven days a week and going on dates to the kiddy park are worth the little people that cover us in kisses and hugs and homemade cards with handprints (and yes, the poop and vomit, too)...don't begrudge us that.
My own personal opinion is that being a mom is the greatest gift and privilege I could ever have. I also know it's not for everybody. That being said, Mother's Day is just a day. To some, it's everything and to others it's just another Sunday. To each his own. Let each woman celebrate the day as she sees fit.
If all you've got time to do is bitch about how another woman is spending the day, you're wasting it--no matter which category you fall into. Just saying.
Well said!
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