Dilemma

I am going to present the accounting of something that happened to me.  I am going to be as honest and truthful in the presentation as I possibly can be, as much as memory allows me to be (for any psych majors out there, we all know that personal memories can be faulty).  For the sake of anonymity I will change the names of some of the people involved.  For anyone who is familiar with any or all parts of this accounting, please do not reveal identities, even if you are aware of them.

The reason I am going to present this is because it has bothered me for some time and I am not sure how to go about resolving it.  Perhaps it cannot be resolved left as it is now.  Or perhaps I simply need to let go.  If that is the case, then I must learn how to do so.  Whatever the outcome may be, this issue has weighed heavily on my mind for almost two years now and I am hoping that by writing it down I may find some sense of inner peace and reconciliation.

Here goes:

"G" and I have been best friends since our freshman year of high school.  We met during volleyball tryouts a few weeks before the school year started.  We both made the team and both had the unfortunate luck of being talented but apparently not talented enough to actually play.  We spent the majority of the season working our asses off at practice and our only reward was to warm the bench while our coach's six favorite people played all the time, win or lose.  That was all it took.  We bonded that fall and while we suffered ups and downs in our friendship throughout our four years of high school and beyond, we always managed to stay really close.

After we graduated from high school, I left to attend college near Chicago.  "G" stayed here in the Metro East to attend school and knock out her gen eds.  A year and a half later, broke and homesick, I came home to attend school and we shared a semester together at the same university.  That fall, "G" left to attend a specialized veterinary technician program at another school.  Soon after she started working at a local animal hospital.

The following year I was in need of a new job and the animal hospital at which "G" worked was in need of a triage nurse/receptionist.  She told me about the job, I applied and was soon after offered the job.  Who would have thought that after all the different paths we'd taken, we'd end up working at the same place, a lot of times on the same shifts (or at least overlapping shifts)?  I couldn't have been happier.  We got to see each other more often than we had since high school, we were able to keep up in each other's lives and lend a hand or an ear when one was needed. 

When my dad suffered a seizure that fall, "G" drove me to the hospital from work.  We took another drive to the hospital when I got bitten by a rottweiler on the job.  When her car broke down, I drove her around.  We knew we always had a place to stay if we ever needed to crash somewhere.  We exchanged talk about our love lives--or at least we talked about hers.  At the time, mine was pretty much nonexistent.  She started dating a guy pretty seriously that fall and always had stories to tell.

In December of that year, I met the guy I would eventually marry.  When we met he worked a job that didn't allow him much social time, but when he was home and able to be social, I quickly introduced him to "G" and her boyfriend and the four of us spent a lot of time together.  We'd go out to bars, we went dancing a few times, they'd come over to house for a BBQ or a bonfire.  My husband (at that time, boyfriend) would hit on "G" because she was an attractive girl and he's simply a guy (that's what he does), but it was always nothing more than a friendly flirtation.  When "G's" boyfriend expressed concern over my boyfriend's flirting with his girlfriend, I asked my boyfriend to back off.  When "G" and I talked about it, she said it didn't worry or upset her at all.

The following November, I lost my virginity to my fiance (we had picked a date for the wedding already but hadn't announced it  yet).  Immediately afterwards, that same night, I told "G" what had happened.  She was the person I went to--not my parents, not my brother, not my soon to be sister-in-law.  I told "G."  And two weeks later when I found out I was pregnant, she was the first one I told after telling my fiance.  She was ecstatic for me.  During that phone conversation, I also told her that my fiance and I would be getting married in six weeks (we figured upping the date instead of waiting til July when I was 8 months pregnant was the better idea) and I asked her if she would be my maid of honor.  She quickly agreed and jumped into helping me plan what she could for the wedding. 

She threw my bachelorette party.  She stood up for me at my wedding.  She gave the toast at my reception.  She was my best friend.

A few months later, she ended her relationship with her boyfriend.  My husband's best man had developed quite the crush on "G" when he came up for our wedding and my husband, ever the matchmaker, called his best friend up when "G" became single, determined to hook the two of them up.  His best friend did indeed come up to stay for a few days and I called "G" to see if we could all get together one night.  (As best as I can remember, it had been a few weeks since "G" and I had last talked when we had this particular phone conversation.)  She said that yes, we could come over to her place but that "B" might stop by at some point during the evening, so to not be surprised if he showed up.

"B" was one of "G's" exes from high school.  She had broken up with him before graduation because he had become extremely jealous and possessive of her and she was uncomfortable with it.  After high school, "B" had married another girl and moved a fair distance away.  According to "G" during this phone conversation, "B's" wife had cheated on him, then packed up and left him.  Not wanting to be that far away from home by himself, he had come home and contacted "G," looking for a friend.  I was suspicious and asked "G" if she was thinking of getting back together with him and she said no, they were just friends, he just needed someone to talk to.

****I later heard from multiple other sources that "B's" wife had not cheated on him, but that he had actually cheated on her and that's why she left--you can believe what you want, as I do.****

So my husband, his best friend and I went over to "G's" place one night to hang out and play cards and drink a bit (I was not drinking, as I was pregnant).  We were having a good time, and of course my husband's best friend was flirting with and hitting on "G."  While she may not have encouraged his attentions, she did not seem unhappy about them and made no effort to stop them.  About halfway through the evening, "B" arrived.  He walked in and seemed genuinely shocked and immediately ticked off that there were two men hanging out at "G's" place.  After walking in and saying a hesitant hello, he proceeded to hang up his coat, take his shoes off and tell "G" that he'd decided to "come home" for his lunch break (he had found a job working nights).  He stayed for 20 minutes or so and then left. 

After he left, the three of us razzed her a bit about his calling her place "home" and acting like he lived with her.  She admitted at that point that he hadn't had a place to stay so he was crashing with her for a while until he could get back on his feet.  My husband and his friends being guys, they started razzing her about sleeping with him.  She vehemently denied such claims, continuing to say that she and "B" were just friends, especially considering he was still officially married.

I called her a few days later to get the real scoop on "B" since I felt in my gut that she hadn't been completely honest about what was going on with him, but I figured she hadn't felt comfortable talking about it in front of the guys, which I didn't blame her for.  She admitted that she and "B" had talked about getting back together, that he had changed and wanted her back, but that they had both agreed that nothing would happen until he was officially separated and divorced from his wife, which could take up to six months at the very least.  As unhappy as I might have been about the situation (I had never liked "B" all that much and thought "G" deserved better) I told her I supported her decision if that was what she really wanted and I thought it was smart of them to wait until the legalities were finalized.

A few weeks later I was at my sister-in-law's apartment, visiting.  I was about seven months pregnant at this time.  I texted "G" to let her know that my husband's best friend would be coming up for a few days again and to see if she might want to get together and hang out while he was here.  I will be honest (as hard as it is to be) and say that I was purposely trying to get her around my husband's best friend because I was hoping she might fall for him and tell "B" to hit the road.  She replied that she didn't know if she could and besides, she didn't think "B" would like it all that much.  I asked her what did it matter what he thought at this point, it wasn't like they were together or anything.  She texted back that actually, they were.  They had decided to get together (some amount of time ago, I honestly don't remember what she said) but they hadn't told anybody yet.  They didn't want anybody to know until his divorce was finalized.  Concerned for her and her reputation, I told her to be careful, that people would talk and I didn't want to see her get hurt.  Her reply was "f*** people, I don't give a damn about what other people say."  At that point, I asked her if she didn't care, then why was she keeping it a secret?  Keeping it a secret indicated that both she and "B" felt like it was wrong and that was why they didn't want people to know.  If she didn't care about people's opinions, then why not be open about it up front?  She then sent me a text ranting about how "B's" wife was a lying, cheating b**ch and why wasn't I on her side?  I told her I was, that again, I just didn't want her to be the center of people's cruel and malicious gossip.  I didn't want people calling her a homewrecker--she was better than that and I didn't want to see her hurt.  I don't remember if she answered me or not and if she did, I don't remember what was said.

At this point, I did something that turned out to be really, really stupid.  I make it a point to never post anything argumentative or petty or anything that can be construed as a personal attack on facebook--even more so after this incident--because I don't feel as though facebook is the forum for such things.  But that day, following the conversation I had with "G," I posted as my status: I love my friends.  I love my friends.  Even when they do something stupid, I love my friends."  The status didn't gain any comments, so I thought nothing of it.

The next week, "G" sent me a text saying something along the lines of, "You know, if you have a problem with me, you should just tell me instead of writing nasty things about me on facebook."  Those were not her exact words, I am sure, but that was the gist.  I asked her what she was talking about (as if I didn't already know) and she told me that I damn well knew what she was talking about, that status I'd put about her doing something really stupid.  A friend of hers had seen the post and pointed it out to her and she was pissed.  I told her that she had no idea whether that post was directed at her or not, that it could be about any one of my friends doing any one of a number of things.  In doing so I didn't admit to writing it about her, but I felt that I wasn't totally lying to her about it either, when in fact, that's exactly what I was doing.  Part of the reason I didn't want to tell her it was about her was because I didn't think she'd get that upset over something that I considered very small and inconsequential.  But she had taken it as a betrayal, as me talking about her behind her back.

I tried to call her (our conversation had consisted of texts to this point) but she would not answer her phone.  I asked her why she wouldn't answer my call and she replied that she didn't want to talk to me in person.  What followed was a rant of texts telling me that my husband was a "deadbeat ass**** loser," so I had no business passing judgment on who she chose to be with, that I had turned into a selfish b**ch who only thought about herself ever since I started dating my husband and hanging out with his "b**chy" sister and that I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I married my husband.  When I asked her why she hadn't told me any of this sooner (like, anytime in the past year and a half since I met him) she told me that we hadn't really been friends for a while, that she had only been pretending to be my friend and she hadn't said anything to me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.  Those exact words I remember clearly.

Absolutely stunned and shocked, I asked how long she had felt this way?  Had she felt this way when she stood up as my maid of honor?  She reiterated that she had felt that way almost since I had started dating my husband and again said that she thought I had made a mistake marrying him, everybody else thought so too, but no one wanted to hurt my feelings, so they'd stayed quiet.  Not knowing what else to say, I didn't reply.  I set my phone down and burst into tears. 

A few months later, after my daughter was born, "G" and I made contact.  I can't remember if she contacted me or if I contacted her, but however it happened, she wanted to meet the baby and could we meet up for lunch somewhere?  I agreed, hoping that we would talk about what had happened and clear the air.  I was still extremely hurt over what she had said, but had come to the conclusion that she had spoken out of anger and hadn't meant what she'd said (or so I hoped).  Lunch was awkward.  We made small talk and she went crazy over my daughter, but nothing was said about the conversation that had taken place a few months prior.  I kept waiting for her to bring it up, hoping she'd apologize,  but she didn't and somehow, I couldn't bring it up myself.  I wasn't sure how to bring it up, what to say.  I was still very confused about my feelings regarding the entire situation.  Lunch ended and we went our separate ways, that conversation still a silent chasm with the two of us on either ends.

At some point after the lunch date, "G" called me (or texted me, I don't remember) to tell me she was pregnant with "B's" baby.  There was no mention of whether or not his divorce had been finalized, there was no mention of whether or not they were planning on getting married.  Simply, she was having a married man's baby and she was thrilled about it.  I tried to find some sort of happiness and congratulations for her, but I couldn't.  She had told me she was going to throw my baby shower and then bailed two weeks before it was supposed to happen, thanks to a lovely text conversation.  She hadn't come to see me in the hospital when my daughter was born.  She had shown no inclination in spending any real time with me or my daughter since that single lunch date that accomplished nothing.  I wanted to be happy for her.  But I wasn't.  Here she was, expecting me to congratulate her and be happy for her because she was having a baby out of wedlock.  She had said horrible things about my husband, made a mockery of her best friend status by indicating her support as my maid of honor when she (according to her) thought I was making a mistake by getting married and then hadn't talked to me for months on end.  And she wanted me to be happy for her?  For her bastard? 

I hated myself for thinking the way I did.  I managed to text her back congratulations, but there was no feeling behind it.  Or if there was feeling, it was resentment, anger, hurt, perhaps even a little hatred. 

After that I began to see her status updates on facebook about how her pregnancy was progressing and then when the baby was born, there were pictures.  I couldn't bear to see her happy after the hurt she'd caused me and I hated myself for wishing her unhappiness.  I hated myself for resenting her happiness, thinking she didn't deserve it.  So soon after I deleted her as a friend on facebook, believing it would be easier to let go of that chapter of my life if I didn't have a daily reminder of it.

I don't think of "G" nearly as often as I used to.  But I do still think of her.  And when I do, I still suffer the onslaught of confused emotions and I wonder how I'm supposed to feel.  Is it ok to feel the way I do?  I go to church and hear about forgiveness but wonder if I've ever truly forgiven her for the things she said and the hurt she caused.  And if I haven't, how am I supposed to do that now?  How do I reach that forgiveness when I can't forget what happened and still get angry when I think about it?  How much of a hypocrite does it make me if I can't forgive her?  How am I supposed to feel about the fact that I miss her?  I miss the person who was my best friend for a decade--am I betraying my husband by missing her and wanting that friendship back, even if I know it can never be?  How do I let go, if letting go is indeed what I need to do?

If you'd made it this far (and I truly appreciate it if you have), I would now ask for your thoughts.  Your honest thoughts.  Please, please, please don't do what she did--don't worry about hurting my feelings.  If you think I am wrong for saying or thinking or feeling a certain way, please say so!!  I am looking for a way to put this issue to rest and I need to know  how to do that.  I haven't been able to figure it out on my own, so please, if you have a thought, I encourage you to share it.  You will be doing me a great service and you have my thanks.