Let me start, first and foremost by saying: parenting is subjective. There is no perfect way to do it. One must make judgment calls based on a number of factors--the specific situation, the age of the child, the motivation behind the child's actions, the parent's own experiences, standard setting, etc. The list could go on and on and on....
That being said, this post is in no way an attempt to tell others how to raise their children, because frankly, it's none of my business. I do not claim to be a perfect parent. I make mistakes. It is not for me to tell others what is right and wrong when it comes to their parenting decisions. In the same manner, I feel that others (especially those who do not have children) should not deign to tell me how to raise my two girls. My husband and I make parenting decisions together and it is his and my opinion that matters when it comes to our daughters. No one is obligated to agree with the choices we make--but neither are they entitled to tell us we are wrong.
End rant.
Start point of blog.
I would like to clarify my position on a picture I posted on facebook. The picture depicts an envelope taped to the front door of a house. On the envelope, handwritten, is the following: "You have missed curfew! Do not knock or ring the doorbell. You may sleep on the patio. I have been generous this time and provided a blanket." The caption of the photo, which was posted by a radio station, asked the question: Too harsh or good parenting? Comments ranged from total support to total horror and disgust. Some of the arguments against this sort of action were: that it simply gave the child free reign for the rest of the night and they would only see it as permission to go back to the party from whence they came, that it was unsafe and what happened if the child was kidnapped, raped and murdered, and DCFS would not think this was good parenting.
I shared the picture, along with the fact that I might offer the car as a viable sleeping option, rather than the patio, but besides that, I was all for it.
Let's break this down, shall we?
First of all, we have no idea what the specifics of the situation were regarding the parent who taped this envelope to his/her door or the child that it was meant to punish. Whether or not the threat was carried through and whether or not the punishment was effective we may never know. Like I said previously, judgment calls are made based on numerous factors.
To address the arguments against said punishment:
1) If the child sees such a thing as permission to go gallivanting for the rest of the night, chances are good that either 1) he has no regard for his set curfew in the first place and mightn't have bothered to come home at all, 2) that this is an ongoing problem that has not been addressed by either the child or the parent, because of laziness, lack of communication, lack of affection, etc., or 3) the child is just looking for a way to excuse his behavior (how could I make curfew, you locked me out, what else was I supposed to do?). Or perhaps a combination of any or all of these. So whether it was this punishment, a grounding, etc...whether or not it is effective punishment, again, depends on a lot of things. And if the child has no regard for rules and no respect for the laws set down by his parents, nothing is too harsh because the child doesn't allow it to affect him in the first place.
2) Yes, in this day and age, it is certainly possible and possibly probable that such an action would be unsafe. Again, however, we must take into consideration certain factors. Doing this to a 13 year old who lives in East St. Louis (a local place that I am familiar with) or perhaps downtown L.A. (Chicago, New York, any major city, take your pick) is probably not the best idea. It would definitely put the child in a position of risk. Doing this to an 18 year old who lives in Greendale, Indiana (another place with which I am familiar) where everybody knows everybody--takes the risk factor down quite a bit.
At this point let me clarify that there are exceptions to every rule and none of this is 100% definite. Just a note for anyone that's ready with an anecdote that starts with, "Well, I knew somebody...."
Also, regarding the safety issue--if this was done by a parent who is familiar with their child and relatively involved in their child's life and takes their child's safety seriously, I think it is pretty safe to say that the parent believed this type of punishment did not put their child at a high level of risk. The fact that the envelope qualified "I'm being generous this time" indicates that this may have happened once or twice before and the child survived to suffer the same punishment...again. If the kid was resourceful enough to stay out late and make it home ok, chances are he is resourceful enough to either get into the house or smart enough to know he is either 1) safe sleeping on the patio or 2) to call up a friend and find a place to crash, depending on whether or not he's willing to suffer said consequences.
3) It is difficult to find ANY kind of parenting/discipline that DCFS approves of. If you spank your child, it's abusive. If you lock your child out of the house, it's abusive. If your child refuses to eat because he doesn't like what you've prepared and you let him go hungry for the night, it's abusive and neglectful. No punishment is perfect. A punishment that works for one child may have no effect on another. And any type of punishment can be abused by people that are determined to be abusive. Again, it's a matter of not placing blame where blame is due. A parent doesn't have to spank his child to be abusive--that can be accomplished simply by telling the child every day that he or she is ugly...or stupid...or worthless. It is not the art of spanking that is abusive--it's the parent. So personally, I find the DCFS argument mostly moot. DCFS would probably have a million things to say about the way I'm raising my daughters. But my daughters are happy, healthy and pretty darn well-behaved for kids their age.
As for my own personal experience with such a punishment (because, yes, I do have one)--it never had to get this far. My parents told me before I walked out the door that my curfew was at a specific time. At that specific time, the door was getting locked. If I wasn't home, I was out of luck. I never came home to an envelope taped to the door because I always made it home on time. And furthermore, the locked door wasn't even the actual point. I had a key to my house. Any parent who doesn't provide his or her kids with keys to the house has problems above and beyond locking the kids out of the house. So I could unlock the door and go inside if I wanted to, as I'm sure many other kids who are faced with similar situations can. The point of the punishment is to reinforce the idea that respect for the parents and their rules is due. If you think, as a teenager, that you are enough of an adult to not come home until three in the morning when you're supposed to be home by midnight or one, if you are enough of an adult to "take care of yourself" and follow your own set of rules, then by all means, live like an adult. Find your own place to sleep. Give up your right to the bedroom and bed and privacy that your parents provide and pay for. I don't know too many parents who charge their children rent for no good reason--so if you're living under their roof, it makes perfect sense that you be obligated to follow their rules. If you as a child are going to deny me the respect I'm due as a parent who has put your needs and wants above all else, then I'm going to deny you the comfort of a bed.
This is how I was raised. I was raised to respect my parents and follow the rules, even if I didn't like them. If I didn't like them that much, I had the option of moving out and making it on my own and following my own rules. It was that simple. My parents did not ask much from me and I was not treated unfairly (even if as a teenager, I may have thought so at the time).
I would not use this punishment lightly. I might not do it exactly in this manner. I would only use it if the individual circumstances warranted it. And it is my prayer that I am a good enough parent that by the time my girls are old enough for this type of punishment to be remotely appropriate, I won't have to resort to it.
Being a parent is not easy. It encompasses many different roles. It is not just your job as a parent to love your children, but also to be a guide for them and teach them to make decisions for themselves. Loving them is not enough. In the real world, there are consequences for your actions and if you don't learn that early, it bites you in the butt. If you're late for work, you are punished. If you don't turn your homework in on time, you get a failing grade. If you don't follow the rules your employer sets for you because you think you know better, you get fired.
Letting your children come to understand such consequences before they become reality is a sign of good parenting. Give them a better way. Let them make mistakes early so they learn from them and don't make them later on when the consequences are much more severe than spending the night on a patio.
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