**This was supposed to be posted yesterday and I didn't get it finished.**
This past week has been a hard one. While nothing "bad" happened to me specifically, or to my husband, or either of my two daughters, it was still a hard week. My nephew's life is about to be irreversibly changed and although the circumstances might not be ideal, it is my hope and prayer that said circumstances will get him some long-awaited help. A friend's life is also about to be irreversibly changed as her two-week old son suffered permanent brain damage during delivery and she and her fiance have made the difficult decision to bring him home and enjoy whatever short time they may have with him until God sees fit to call him home.
I've spent a lot of time this past week doing something I don't usually do--asking God "why?" I've been confident in my faith for a long time now and the one comfort I've always had is that God has a reason for everything, and even though I may not know that reason, it doesn't change the fact that there is one. That comfort was missing for quite a few days this past week. I simply could not fathom why certain people who either a) don't really want to be parents or b) don't make an effort to raise their children properly or c) can't put their children's needs and wants and insecurities, etc. above their own are allowed to have healthy children, usually more than one, who end up mentally screwed up and shooting up a school (yes, I'm aware that's a lot of "ups," my apologies) because their parents just didn't give a damn, and a couple like my friend and her fiance, whose lives revolve around this tiny human that they've been waiting on for nine months could be dealt such a absolutely crappy hand.
It took a lot of tears and a lot of inner debates before I finally took some advice (given to my husband, no less) from my mother-in-law and just started mentally screaming at God. I didn't get much farther than "why?" and "it's not fair!" but apparently it was enough, because I went to bed that night with my face tear-stricken and my mind clearer than it had been in days. I had managed to get back to the place I've always been, where I can accept that life isn't fair and it's not always for me to know or understand why. That God knows why and it is simply a test of faith to trust Him and His decisions and know that there is a reason, whatever it may be. My nephew is getting the help he needs. A little late? Perhaps. But the point is, he is getting it now--the past cannot be changed and there's no point in dwelling on it. And my friend's son will soon be in the best place he can be, surrounded by a pair of arms that loves him even more than his parents do. That doesn't stop the grief and my heart still goes out to the suffering these people are going through. Grieving hurts, it's not easy. The good news, at least in my case, is that grieving eventually fades and I can take comfort in the fact that God is in control, that He loves me, He loves those close to me and He is waiting for all of us in Heaven.
I took something else from this past week's occurrences and it was a bit of an eye-opening revelation, especially since it was one I felt should have been obvious. I don't know how much time on this earth I have. I don't know how much time my husband or my girls have on this earth. I or they could easily be gone in the blink of an eye. Dying has never scared me, and it still doesn't, but the thought of leaving my girls behind makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of my husband dying and leaving our girls and me alone makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of my girls getting hurt, abducted or killed drives me almost to the point of insanity. It's simply a gut reaction. Rational thought always prevails and I remember that if one of those things should happen, those of us who remain here will make it through, but the initial thought is a very disturbing one.
This revelation led me to the realization that I'm not a perfect mom. Now, I get that I'm never going to be a perfect mom. But I can be a better one. I can make better decisions regarding me, regarding my girls and regarding our lives together. I can, and should be, always putting their needs above my own. I should make better decisions about their diet and in Aubrey's case, activity level. In the same breath, I should make better decisions about my own diet and activity level. I have gotten to the point where carrying Daphnie in her car seat is damn near impossible. She's too heavy and I've lost nearly all my arm strength. That's not being a good mom. Letting myself go physically until I am so unhealthy that I can barely get through the daily routines of childcare is not ok. It's not putting my children's needs above my own. My girls need, and deserve, a mom who can wrestle with them in the living room and chase them around the park, a mom who doesn't put off going to the store because trying to get them both in and out of the car is exhausting, a mom who is an example of healthy living and makes right decisions, not easy decisions.
I struggled this past week with being extremely judgmental. That is something I try very hard NOT to be--it is something I criticize other Christians for being. I knew I was being judgmental, I knew it was wrong, but for a while there I just couldn't get past it. But tying in with all this revelation stuff, I again realized that if I was going to be judgmental, I should be judging myself. I've never been purposely neglectful of my children, I've never purposely ignored them (unless they were throwing a temper tantrum that every other mom will say is best to ignore), I've never purposely hurt them. But I have been lazy up to this point. I'm guilty of putting a movie on for Aubrey to keep her occupied instead of sitting down on the floor and playing with her. I'm guilty of making Daphnie a bottle because at that exact moment I didn't feel like taking the time to feed her a jar of food. I haven't been the best mom I could be and my girls deserve better. So instead of wasting time judging other people, I realized that I needed to make some changes on my end. I needed to make them now, before they ended up having a permanent negative effect on my girls' lives.
The one thing I can say in my "defense" is that my girls are happy. They have no doubt they are loved. Their faces light up when they see me, or my husband, and our faces light up equally as much when we see them. Telling Aubrey I love her and hearing her say she loves me back is an awesome moment I get to experience every day. Seeing Daphnie grin and kick her legs wildly every time I make eye contact with her tells me she's doing fine. But I want better than fine for my family, and for myself.
So yesterday (when this was supposed to be posted), I spent the day with my girls. Yes, a movie was on in the background, but we weren't really watching it. Aubrey helped me fold laundry and load/unload the dishwasher. Aubrey and Daphnie played while I tidied up the living room. We focused on continuing with Aubrey's potty-training and had a major breakthrough yesterday! And when Chaz got home from work, I went to the gym for the first time in months.
The overall goal is to take one day at a time--to make each day as good as each day can be. I'm done with looking down the road and picturing where I'd like to be, because so far that hasn't worked. I always figure I have plenty of time to get there, and what's today? It can wait until tomorrow. What I want to do is get up every day and do with it the most that I can, for myself and for my family. Some days that will be more than it is other days. But if I can go to bed at night and look back on the day and pinpoint some exact thing I did that ensured I haven't wasted the day away, then I will be satisfied. I want each day to so something for my girls, something for my husband and something for me. Some days I will satisfy all three goals simply by working out, because getting myself healthy will greatly benefit us all. Other days I may take the girls to the park, but take an hour or two to watch a movie or play a video game while they're napping. I'm just going to see how it goes.
I'm hoping that blogging will help. I've always wanted to have a blog that lots and lots of people read, where I was saying something intellectual and important and relevant. But this blog is for me, and if no one reads it, I can at least say that I got what I needed out of it by writing in it. If you are reading this now, and have made it through this ridiculously long post, my thanks. Please do not feel obligated to follow the blog or read every post. But if you do, again, my thanks. Just know that this is my first step towards a more fulfilling life for my family and for myself and I am going to try my damndest to be better.
Until next time....
No comments:
Post a Comment