January 23, 2012--Food Bank

I hate going to the food bank, for a number of reasons.

The first being, if I'm honest, that I hate having to depend on someone else to help support my family.  I don't like having to admit that I can't do it by myself.  I hate having to admit that this month we don't have enough money to buy the groceries we need, so I have to go "beg" for food.  I get that it's a pride thing.  I also know that it's not near the pride thing that it could be, because I sucked it up and went today.

Secondly, it's a pain to go with both the girls along for the ride.  Daphnie is heavy and hard to carry, which I noted in an earlier post.  Aubrey is two and has so much excess energy, it's not funny.  So trying to take her anywhere that requires her to be relatively still and quiet is a challenge that I don't like to undertake if I can avoid it.  She's also very willful (gee, can't imagine where she gets that personality trait) and trying to make her follow directions, like not running into the middle of the parking lot, while I'm struggling to tote Daphnie around is again, not something I like to undertake, not so much because it's inconvenient for me, but because it can be a danger for her and she's too small to fully understand that yet.

I tend to forget that when Aubrey was ten months old, she could fully support herself in a sitting position and was crawling.  By ten months, I didn't have to lug her around in her car seat, because when we got to the store, she was able to sit in the front of the cart, no problem.  If we went somewhere and had to sit for a few minutes, I could hold her easily and she didn't flop around, and if she wanted to sit on the floor, I could put her down without worrying that she would topple over and hurt herself.

Daphnie, however, has a 4-5 month delay in her physical development.  The muscles on the left side of her body are underdeveloped and weak, which is why she's currently going through physical therapy once a week.  So, while she is getting much better at sitting up on her own, she still tends to wobble a bit, she cannot crawl and she very easily gets herself into positions that she then can't get herself out of, and then she's fussing.  Carrying her on my hip isn't the easiest thing to do, because she flops--I still have to use a lot of effort to support her while I carry her, where at this point, Aubrey was supporting herself.

When I found out that Daphnie needed physical therapy, I had no issues with it.  I was just glad that we had caught the delay early, so that hopefully it doesn't have any lasting effects on her.  I watch the physical therapist work with her and I take the time every day to do stretches and exercises with her myself.  She is doing great with it--as great as a ten month old baby can do.  However, I did not realize the effect that her delay was going to have on me.  I took for granted that Aubrey developed normally, perhaps even faster than normal, and now that Daphnie hasn't, I have allowed it to  hinder my ability to deal with both kids at the same time.

Back to the food bank...

Thirdly, I hate going to the food bank by myself.  I don't know why it's so much more endurable when Chaz goes with me.  Some reasons might be that I then have help watching/carrying the kids, I have someone to talk to and I don't get sidelong glances from the other people that range anywhere from pity to disdain--or if I do get them, I don't see them because I'm not paying attention.  For the first half of last year, Chaz worked an afternoon shift, from 3pm to 11pm.  The food bank is open from 10am to 1pm.  So if we had to go, we went together.  Then he got promoted and his shift changed to a day shift, from 7am to 3pm.  Now, if we need to go, I'm on my own.  In the past, I've put off going because I've let the above excuses get in the way of what's best for my family.

I didn't do that today.

Our bills are paid.  The electricity and water are not going to get shut off.  We've paid our rent and our school loans.  Chaz has gas to get to work.  But this month, there's not a lot left for groceries.  So in my new-found day-by-day mentality, I packed up the girls and went to the food bank, because that was what was best for everybody involved.  We needed help and my pride and the minor backache I might suffer weren't worth not having the sustenance that the family, that my children, need.

The trip ended up being a good one.  Aubrey was extremely well behaved and charmed everyone working there today.  Daphnie was quiet and smiling, as she usually is.  We got there at a time that didn't have the place swarming with people, so we were in and out rather quickly.  And there was a very nice black gentleman who offered to carry our food out since he saw I had my hands full with the girls.  The trip went very smoothly and I now have enough supplemental food to get us through the next two weeks.

Last night I had looked around the house and figured that I would spend today working on getting the bedrooms back in order, both Chaz's and mine and the girls'.  There is clean laundry to be put away, toys to be picked up, sheets to be changed.  But as I have figured out recently, most of my plans tend to go awry, so I've quit putting too much stock in them.  I got up this morning, made sure the girls were fed and changed (Aubrey took a trip to the bathroom) and I started folding laundry.  Chaz called me and we talked about our money issues and all of a sudden, the outlook of my day changed.  Bedrooms were no longer the focus--groceries were.

And now that I've gotten home from the food bank, fed the girls lunch and put them down for a nap, I feel like I should start working on the things I'd planned to work on.  All I really want to do is lay down and take a nap myself.  There are times, like now, when I have to remind myself that it's ok to take a few minutes for me, that I don't have to go 24/7 just because I'm trying to be better.  I can still take a break and if something gets pushed til tomorrow, it gets pushed til tomorrow.  I've been productive today.  I've made good decisions for myself and my family.  I can go to bed tonight and look back on the day and know it wasn't wasted.  I may not have accomplished what I originally set out to accomplish, but the point is, I accomplished something.  I think for now, that's enough.

Until next time...