Anyone who knows me has probably picked up on the fact that I'm a Chicago Bears fan. And not just a "Yeah, Go Bears!" fan, but a "know all the words to the Bears fight song, can sing along with the Superbowl Shuffle (if you're unfamiliar, Google it), has numerous pieces of Bears clothing and accessories, watches every game during the regular and post season, will defend them to the death" Bears fan. It's pretty serious stuff.
Part of being a Bears fan is being a Green Bay Packers hater. And yes, I hate the Green Bay Packers. I detest Clay Matthews (my hatred of him specifically has mostly to do with his hair--don't judge me, I never claimed that any of this was rational). Why? Because it's what Chicago Bears fans do. Ask any Green Bay fan and they will tell you that they hate Chicago. It's a rivalry that's got a lot of history, it goes back for decades.
So why am I boring you to death with my sports addiction?
Because recently some overzealous Bears fan decided to do something that gained a whole lot more attention than he was probably gunning for. He posted a picture of a Green Bay Packer cheerleader taken from 2009 on one of the Chicago Bear fan FB pages, with a caption that read "'Like' if you agree the Packers have the worst cheerleaders in the NFL." The post was flooded with "likes" and comments that ranged from extremely nasty comments regarding the level of ugliness to be found on the Packers' cheerleader squad to Packers fans defending their cheerleaders and some Bears fans actually backing them up. It basically turned into an online blood bath.
Now, while I don't agree that this initial fan's actions were terribly intelligent, I do think that it is just part of a rivalry that has been going strong since 1921. Reeling in on 100 years, people. That's a really long time. And there are plenty of other strong NFL rivalries out there: St. Louis vs. San Francisco, Indianapolis vs. New England, Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh. You have to know that when you decide to cheer for any one of these teams, you're going to be on the receiving end of some guff from supporters of your rival team.
Unfortunately, this goes for cheerleaders too. Now, the Chicago Bears don't have cheerleaders, so we don't really have to worry about it. However, when you sign up to cheer for San Francisco, you have to know that when St. Louis comes to play, you're going to get booed by their fans. Same goes for Greeen Bay/Chicago.
I don't think this fan who initially posted the picture had anything against the girl whom the picture was of, other than the fact that she was wearing a Green Bay cheer uniform. He wasn't "out to get her." But as in any group of people, you have the mainstream and you have the extreme. And some extreme fans got a little crazy and said some pretty not nice things and all of a sudden, what should have been a simple fan rivalry issue has now turned into an issue of...duh duh duh....bullying.
The cheerleader made a silent video that was posted and has pretty much gone viral to indicate her position on online bullying and how it's unacceptable.
This is the point that a rather long, sports specific intro has gotten me to.
I won't lie and say I'm terribly familiar with a lot of the online bullying issues. I'm not a recipient of a lot of "online bullying" so it's not something of which I take a lot of notice. But apparently, it's a pretty big deal, especially when it comes to teenagers. I am familiar with the girl who killed herself a few years back because of some things said to her or about her over MySpace. I still couldn't give you all the details. But as this latest video posted by a Green Bay cheerleader has indicated, online bullying is a pretty rampant and growing issue.
It has given "bullies" a means to say anything and everything to whomever they want without any real fear of retaliation. It has allowed them to enable their cowardly ways by allowing them to do their thing without having to be face-to-face with someone. Without giving that someone a chance to stand up for themselves. They're not censored, they don't have to worry about the teacher or monitor showing up and catching them. In some cases they can even remain anonymous and spew their hatred without anyone knowing where it's coming from.
Do know that I realize this makes things seem really bleak for the victims. My point here is not to act like this issue is being overrated or blown out of proportion.
My point is that there are plenty of ways to avoid this type of situation and for the most part, it's pretty much the same online as it is in "real life." Here are my suggestions:
First, to the parents:
1) Talk to your kids!! Technology has developed in such a way that we are turning into a society that communicates without communicating. Chaz and I went out to dinner the other night and as I looked around, at least one person at 90% of the tables had their nose in their cell phone or tablet. No one was actually talking. This is NOT ok.
Sit down and spend time with your kids and actually TALK to them. Ask them about school, find out how their day went, get them to TALK back. Know what's going on in their lives. Do not allow yourselves to get to a point where you find your kid dead in their bedroom, a suicide note sitting on the desk and then sit there scratching your head saying, "I had no idea." Be involved.
2) Educate your kids!! This goes hand-in-hand with the talking. Let them know that there are going to be people out there who don't like them, for no reason whatsoever. Teach them how to handle such situations. Whether that's punching the kid who's been pushing and hitting them on the playground (I am NOT an advocate of violence, but having been in this situation as a kid, there is something to be said for "fighting back," it's much more effective) or walking away and learning to just avoid that kid's route or killing them with kindness, let them know they have options and that you will support them.
Raise them to be intelligent people with intelligent vocabularies. Teach them to "insult" people politely and intelligently. Nothing throws a bully off more than when they're sitting there calling you a "stupidhead" and you respond with "ignorant cretin." By the time they figure out what "ignorant" means and start in on "cretin" you'll be to your next class.
Words are powerful, there is no question about that. But most times they are powerful only if they are the right words. Getting on Facebook or MySpace or whatever other social network pages are popular and spewing a lot of vulgar and ignorant sentiments around does not give you credence. It makes you the opposite side of the same coin. So teach your kids to stand up to bullies by being the bigger person, by being smart and confident people. Impress on them the fact that most bullies are insecure and talk a big talk but are too cowardly to back themselves up. Give them the tools they need to successfully put up an effective front to these people.
3) Be a parent, not a friend. If this means hacking their Facebook page to keep track of what they're up to, so be it. If this means changing the privacy settings on their FB page or the computer in general so they can't access certain things, so be it. Yes, they may hate you for it now, but when they get older and they realize that they didn't go through the drama that they're seeing now, they're going to realize you were right. They're kids--most of them have plenty of friends. They don't need another one. They need someone who has their best interests at heart when they don't know what their best interests are.
Don't let them have a Facebook page just because everybody else has one (especially if online bullying is something you're worried about). Make them go out and socialize, not sit behind a computer for hours a day. Facebook has evolved into something it was never intended to be because people felt left out. It was originally meant for college students so they could keep in contact with childhood and high school friends when they all went their separate directions. Well then the high school kids felt left out and wanted in, so they extended the invitation to them. And then it went public so parents were on FB keeping tabs on everybody and now every eight year old and his sister has a Facebook page. Some things are age appropriate. Some things you do need to be older to have. That's just part of growing up. Tell your kids to deal with it and let them be mad at you. You're doing your job.
And to the kids (and in general, everybody):
1) Surround yourself with people who are good for you. Find out who your real friends are--not the ones who are hanging out with you because you have cool shoes, or because you can buy them a soda at lunchtime or because you'll give them a ride home from school. Find the people who share your interests and who like you for you. Surround yourself with those people. Develop a strong social network for yourself. This puts you in a positive position with people who care about you.
This is extremely important when it comes to Facebook or whatever site you might choose to use. Don't accept friend requests just because someone gives you one. Don't send a friend request to someone just because you know who they are. There is something to be said for "quality, not quantity." Having "more friends" does not make you a better person and should not be any sort of validation of you as a person. Don't be friends with your ex's new girlfriend. Don't be friends with your dad's new girlfriend's kids, especially if you're not on good terms with your dad or his new girlfriend. Don't be friends with the kid who you know talks about you behind your back. That's how bullying happens, so just don't go there.
2) Avoid bad situations. You know this person has a reputation for being a bully. Stay away from them. If you know they sit on the back of the bus, sit at the front of the bus. Let teachers know you aren't comfortable with this person so they don't pair you up during gym class.
Don't get involved in the drama that occurs on Facebook, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't pertain to you. Don't put a target on your back. Just stay out of it.
Know who you're talking to, especially on Facebook. If someone you know posts a controversial post and you have something to say about it, make sure it's worth saying. Is this person someone who speaks intelligently, who listens to other people's opinions and responds appropriately? Or is this someone who is going to revert to vulgarity and name-calling because you don't agree with them? If the latter, then just walk away. Even if what you have to say has merit, the person is not going to really hear it, so technologically speaking, you're wasting your breath, and opening yourself up to a lot of nonsensical and hurtful ranting and raving. Just don't do it.
Be intelligent. Be responsible. Be knowledgeable.
There is plenty we can all do to avoid bullying situations, especially online bullying. One of the best things to do is simply to ignore it. I am in no way saying that people are right for using the internet as a way to spew their vile opinions and ignorant prejudices. But they are going to do it. Take it for what it is--an unintelligent person with too many hurt feeling pent up and no one who cares enough about them to truly listen to them or do anything for them. Don't respond in kind. Just walk away. Delete the comment off your timeline, delete the post altogether, whatever.
Don't get pulled down into the quagmire of ignorance. Be the better person. Do not allow yourself to be victimized. You have control over whether or not you are a victim. Don't let them win. Equip yourself with the knowledge and skills that will allow you to rise above and say "I will not be bullied. I will not be victimized. I will not hear the hatred that you scream out."
Let's face it. Bullies are not going to stop. They're like extremists. They know only what they want to know, they hear only what they want to hear. And they're not hearing the silent videos of an ex-Packer cheerleader. The only people hearing that are the ones who have already acknowledged there's a problem. They're not going to stop, they're not going to go away.
The only way you win is by taking away their so-called power by not allowing yourself to be victimized. So stand up for yourself, educate yourself, equip yourself and then go forth and conquer.
Until next time....
The only thing I do not agree with is " hacking". You will lose every ounce of your kid's trust and you instantly become the enemy. I know this from personal experience.Don't helicopter. Kids have to be allowed to f-up. That's where the talking comes in and you give advice and guidance on how to handle the situation. Controlling their lives will do nothing but push them into the arms of the negative influence. I think there needs t o be a good balance. Stepping in to "protect" the kids might just make them more susceptible to trouble later when you can't be there. Otherwise I'm totally with you on most of it. Though with adults, I think we all need to stop being so damn sensitive. People are never going to agree. Sports fans will always be the top of that list. We all need to get over it and learn to laugh at it in the off season. Even for you Cubs people ;)
ReplyDeleteOk, so I think this is very well thought out, but after being the adult that steps in when bullying happens. I feel the need to point out that teaching your kids to insult someone, no matter how intelligently, is not appropriate. It is never a good solution to stoop down to the level of your persecutor. Bullies are not all ignorant, especially female bullies. They are just as smart, and sometimes even smarter than you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are faced with a bully, be it in person on in cyberspace, just walk away. Block that person. Every time they try. Do not give the satisfaction of rising to the bait. Don't curse them out in Spanish, don't use a cool Latin-based adjective to confuse them. Just leave. If you can just leave.
Sometimes you can't just leave, when a person has you cornered in real life. Don't talk back. Don't let them maneuver you into a place where you physically have no where else to go. Be aware of your surroundings. Do not engage, if the hit you, defend yourself, don't fight back. Don't just lay there and take it, but don't be an aggressor yourself. Block and create space.
I say this, not because I think everyone should just be a victim. Sometimes fighting back is your only choice. But it should be a last resort.
If you are a witness to someone being bullied, in person or online, don't be an audience member. If you want to do something about it, get help, if you are at school, get a teacher. Don't validate the bully by just watching. Sometimes it is appropriate to step in yourself, and stand up for the victim, but most of the time it isn't. Be smart, be aware, and don't overreact.
Ok, maybe I didn't make my point about "insulting" people properly. I didn't mean so much actually insulting the other person, and "ignorant cretin" was probably a bad example. My point was when some kid is sitting there calling you names, find a way to respond that is going to throw them off. Catch them off guard with some sort of intelligent statement, because that's the last thing they're expecting. And when you do say something that throws them, they're left standing with their jaw hanging, trying to figure out where they lost control of the situation (I say this from experience).
ReplyDeleteI don't agree when it comes to "not being an aggressor." Unfortunately, part of defending oneself often comes to having to hit back. If all you do is block, the other person is going to continue to hit and sooner or later, the block is not going to work. Sooner or later, they're going to hit you. I'm not saying if you can't run, you shouldn't run. By all means, get away from the situation as quickly as possible and find someone, anyone to help you out. But, (again, from experience) sometimes the only way to get the kid who's punching you to back off is to punch back. Because, again, it's the last thing they're expecting. They're bullying you because they've targeted you as weak. Prove you're not weak and they leave you alone. As long as you keep running, they're going to continue to chase and sooner or later they're going to find you in a vulnerable position where there is nowhere to run and no one to help. I'm not saying turn to violence as your first option. But saying that you should never become an aggressor is idealistic and unrealistic.
My overall point on this was to be aware from the get-go. Be educated from the beginning. Know what your options are so that you can be preventative and avoid "becoming a victim." Given the proper education from parents and preventative measures taken by people (surrounding yourself with friends, etc) you won't get into that position in the first place, especially online, which was the main focus.
Like Dad used to tell me, there are some situations u r not going to get out of without a fight, in those instances hit hard and hit first. I believe a little bullying is good for you it builds character. Also broken noses r good for bullies. If that kid in Columbine had punched the first kid who picked on him he wouldn't have shot up the joint later
ReplyDelete