**For anyone who knows me, they know I'm not a big fan of posts and statuses and such that are obvious bids for attention, in whatever form. This is NOT that. I'm not looking for validation. I simply have had a lot of thoughts going through my head the last few weeks and I needed to get them down "on paper." This post is strictly for me. It's not meant to be a whiny, pity-party. It's just the way things are. With that said, my thanks if you continue reading.**
Chaz says I am at a different place in my life than most other people my age. I don't know if that's really true. I know that many of the people I graduated with are also married, some with kids. I don't know what their social lives look like, mostly because I'm not part of them. If what Chaz says is true, their social lives should probably look a lot like mine. Again, I don't know if that's really true.
What I do know is that I got married at the age of 23. Chaz's and my first daughter was born seven months into our marriage. Our second daughter was born nineteen months later.
What I do know is that Chaz and I have struggled to find time to spend together, just the two of us, let alone find time to spend with other adults. Even if we did have the time, we would still need the adults.
What I do know is that raising two kids this close together is hard. It's not something I ever planned for myself. While I love it and appreciate it, I'm still learning how to handle it. I don't know if I ever fully will.
What I do know is I have finally admitted to myself that I feel like my life has no direction. Beyond being a mother, I have no idea how to get where I think I want to go. I don't feel like I have ever truly succeeded at anything I have ever attempted. I don't know how to handle that either.
What I do know is that the people that were supposed to be there for me, that were supposed to support me and have my back have let me down. When I really needed them to be there, they weren't.
What I do know is that somehow I ended up with a family and no friends and I can't figure out how it doesn't seem possible for me to have both.
What I do know is that apparently I have been holding onto a lot of stuff that I didn't realize I was. While I have put on a strong face and let stuff roll off my back and acted like I didn't need anyone and I was fine, apparently I'm not. People abandoning me has hurt me more than I ever realized and I have never dealt with it. I've acted like it didn't bother me, I didn't need friends like that, I was better off.
What I do know (and have finally admitted) is I've been lying to myself.
What I don't know is what to do about it. And isn't that a conundrum?
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